The Power of Introspection

 

Older adults who look inwards and reflect on life may be protecting themselves against dementia, according to a recent survey.

 

At present, the UK has some 850,000 with dementia, most of them in the older age bracket and it’s predicted the number could be up to 1.6m by 2040. The likelihood of developing dementia roughly doubles every five years after the age of 65.

 

It’s not clear what causes Alzheimer's – the most common form of dementia – but it is thought to be caused by the abnormal build-up of proteins in and around brain cells.

 

The NHS website explains thus: “One of the proteins involved is called amyloid, deposits of which form plaques around brain cells. The other protein is called tau, deposits of which form tangles within brain cells.

 

“Although it's not known exactly what causes this process to begin, scientists now know that it begins many years before symptoms appear.

 

“As brain cells become affected, there's also a decrease in chemical messengers (called neurotransmitters) involved in sending messages, or signals, between brain cells.

 

“ ... Over time, different areas of the brain shrink. The first areas usually affected are responsible for memories.

 

“In more unusual forms of Alzheimer's disease, different areas of the brain are affected.

 

“The first symptoms may be problems with vision or language rather than memory.”

 

So, if we don’t know what causes it (although we know what happens when we have it) we may have a lurking fear of developing it in the future. 

 

That makes it an alarming prospect and anything that may help prevent us from getting it is to be welcomed. 

 

I read advice such as not smoking, not drinking too much and eating a healthy, balanced diet. I also learn I have to exercise for more than two hours a week at a minimum and, even then, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be spared.

 

But this survey on self reflection and meditation seems to offer some positive and hopeful signs to allow us to work on keeping the mental part of our selves in the best possible condition, not just our physical selves. 

 

The idea that just 10 minutes a day of self-reflection (that’s sophisticated speak for thinking about yourself, decisions you’ve taken, the outcomes and how they’ve affected you) is good for your brain is wonderful.

 

Those of us who work in the world of psychotherapy are pleased there’s an acknowledgement that reflection is good for the soul. This is what is behind a talking therapy – a 50-minutes session to look at your self and take stock of where you came from, where you are and where you’d like to be.

 

That’s in an ideal world of course. It’s always easier to spot what’s the problem with other people and less easy to find a way of dealing with your own. That’s where the personal therapy time comes in. If you’re working with a trained, interested – but dispassionate – psychotherapist or counsellor, you can come together to look at and consider how you really work. What makes you tick, in other words.

 

The belief is – and there’s evidence to prove it – that if a person wants to make a change in their life they will need to look at past behaviour and examine why it might be they are taking a path that is causing them so much distress. By committing to the therapeutic process and by wondering aloud and considering what compelled them to make some judgments, they stand a good chance of altering their habits to improve how they feel. 

 

Self reflection, therefore, if done in the “right” way is a good way of changing the feeling process and turning away from negative thinking. For example, if you’re a person who looks back with anger, sadness or some other form of distress – or who maybe doesn’t look back at all for just those reasons – how about allowing yourself to look back without judgment? 

 

True self reflection is observation, recognising the emotion that comes with it and accepting that’s how it was. No need to be cross or sad now, it’s pointless. But what you can do is learn more about yourself by looking at it from a distance and considering how it affects you now and if it’s made a difference. It will have done, but it might also have offered you opportunities of which you were glad. Self reflection is a chance to change how you feel about a past event or events and, when necessary, put them to bed. It’s a chance to give up the role of being your harshest critic. 

 

How about looking back and simply reflecting? Remember the situation and look at it as an observer rather than in a punishingly judgmental way that makes you clench your fists, tighten your muscles and feel your jaw ache as you relive the distress. That is of no help. Negative thinking can worsen depression. Positive thinking is good for our us and we need to work on our optimism. Ditch the stress.

 

Socrates, the wisest of all philosophers who chose to give up his own life rather than back down on his principles, declared an unexamined life is not worth living. He believed we owed it to ourselves to examine within. Seems he was right all along. It's not self-indulgence, it's good for you. Have a try!  

Photo 1: Faye Cornish on Unsplash

Photo 2: Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

Photo 3: Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

 

 

When Boring is Better

Some of us are addicted to drama. We have TV show to prove it … murder, mystery and suspense. And if you, like me, occasionally protest that something that wouldn’t happen in real life, we’re shushed and told: “It’s a drama, suspend disbelief.” 

If we do, we may enjoy seeing the story unfold. We may watch as we see ordinary people getting caught up in extraordinary events that, for a time, seem both unresolvable and unmanageable. But then, within a few short hours, all is once more well with the world. The characters can go back to their normal lives and we, the audience, breathe a sigh of relief and prepare for our next piece of escapism.

But what happens when life begins to imitate art? What happens when real life is only about veering from one drama to another? How do we feel about it then?

There are some people - and families - who live a life full of drama and seek out dramatic events when there is too much "ordinary" happening. They lurch from one crisis to another and seem to feel charged up when they are experiencing the highs of their life of drama. 

The problem is that drama may be a part of life but it can't be all of life. Most of us humans  function best when we are working in a calm environment, when we are able to use all our senses to work on a problem and find a solution. 

Imagine taking a trip on a boat and try to feel the enjoyment you experience from the tranquility of the ride. Imagine a calm, turquoise sea, a picturesque backdrop of sandy, uncrowded beaches and the warmth of the sun as the boat glides across the water. Feels good, doesn't it? 

Then imagine how you'd feel if that same boat was going into a squall. The coastline blurs, clouds darken and the water turns choppier and choppier. How are you feeling now? I'm sensing a certain tension.

What matters particularly in this scenario is who is the captain of your ship. If s/he is experienced, calm and confident, you may feel safe in the knowledge that they can steer you out of trouble. But, if they are they looking to you to help them out because, while they may have their captain's licence, they've never been in this situation before, you may be right to feel worried.

And this is where we are at present. My imaginary ship is rudderless, captain-less and I have no idea what's on the horizon. To be honest, I can't even see one. 

The daily headlines seem to offer little hope and more and more confusion with our own ships' captains - from all parties - as confused about their direction of travel as the rest of us. If they could give us a clue it might help but I can't see it happening any time soon. 

I read recently that we humans click more on "dark" headlines than we do on cheerful news. As a result, the mainstream press seem to be going the way of social media by emphasising the gloom. We read it, digest it, and our spirits lower. And so it goes on. 

The irony is that, despite all this alleged misery, life has improved hugely for most of us over the past 50 years. The material lives of most people are far better than even our grandparents' time and the quality of our living remains much better than it was. So our reality is not in any way the same as our fantasy. But that is not what we pick up from the news, with its daily dose of misery through which we must all scrawl. 

So what to do? Cold turkey is hard. Smart phones and social media is intended to become addictive and the programmers are good. We can't help going back, and back, and back - even if it's just to check the headlines or if someone's responded to our tweet or thrilling post elsewhere. 

We do need to break off our addiction if we're to start feeling better. Perhaps start with a phased and thoughtful withdrawal. Perhaps allow yourself a a morning and evening perusal, rather than a constant glance and update. It's doing us no good.

Drama on a continuous basis is exhausting. It wears us out and it keeps our minds in their original reptilian state when logic and reasoning were not important and all that mattered was being on constant alert for what danger might be about to befall us. It means our mental anxieties play out in our bodies making it impossible to relax and process what's actually going on. To work well - and to keep well - we need our minds to be in harmony with our bodies. We need to be able to sit back, relax and decide individually what matters. 

To return to the sailing metaphor, put so well in the Invictus poem: "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." Don't forget it. You're in charge. And, in the present chaos in which we seem to live, it's good to appreciate that boredom can sometimes be good for you.

Photo 1: Jürgen Venakowa on Unsplash

Photo 2: Matt Paul Catalano on Unsplash

The Power of Projection

 

This is the Queen’s year, as far as I’m concerned, even if the Platinum Jubilee celebrations are done and dusted.

 

Twelve months of keeping Her Majesty in mind seems a small thing to do when you’re talking about a 70-year reign dedicated to her country.

The festivities have clearly given us time to reflect on her role and her position in our lives, regardless of whether or not we’re monarchists. It’s been extraordinary to watch the people of the UK – and the world - come out to take part in a four-day event to celebrate the life of a 96-year-old head of state. How amazing is that! And what wouldn’t other national leaders give to have such support? 

 

The Queen seems to have perfected the art of being what a queen should be. She started off as the beautiful young princess of fairy tales who married her handsome prince, had two beautiful young children and was set for a life as a happy naval wife living in sunny splendour in Malta.

 

Tragically, that all ended too soon with the early death of her father. The young monarch was enthroned and, unlike in other fairy tales – I’m thinking Frozen here – she accepted her role with good grace and seems to have done it unflinchingly ever since. Seventy years in one role. It’s an impressive achievement.

 

Perhaps the Queen’s cleverest achievement is remaining almost silent. We hear her speeches at public events but, until recently, we were unlikely to hear her talking unscripted. The microphones were turned off when she appeared, by royal command. Now, we hear a little more as times change and her Bond and Paddington appearances reveal her sense of humour, but this is new. Mostly, we have seen much but heard little. And that must be the way she likes it.

 

It is remarkable to reflect how so many of us imagine we know  the Queen when, in reality, she is really known to very few. Rather like Diana, Princess of Wales, we have seen so much of her that we imagine we understand how she is feeling. In Diana’s case, we adored her when she joined the royal family, rejoiced with the children’s births and were saddened when the marriage failed. It was like a failure in our own lives and we empathised, imagining how she must be feeling. When she died, we were distraught; it felt as if it were a loss of a beloved family member.  

 

That was never the reality. Diana appeared to have magical powers (fairy princess tales again) in connecting with the ordinary person but she never was. She was born the daughter daughter of an earl and her life’s trajectory was far different from what most of ours was ever likely to be.

 

And so it is with our Queen. We sometimes see her in person but mainly we watch her on television and we imagine what’s going on in her inner world. When she smiles with her face lighting up in a way that reveals the girl she once was, we imagine we know what’s pleasing her. When she’s looking glum (she has a naturally solemn face in repose which does look quite stern), we imagine she’s upset and worry about what might be making her so. We might be right, we might be wrong but that’s not what’s important. What matters is that we have taken her to our hearts and we feel for her, even though we have no real knowledge of the person inside.

 

Actress Helen Mirren, in a recent interview, revealed she had been very concerned when she was first offered the part of the Queen because she knew so little about her subject. Strangely, she found it didn’t matter in the end because of the way people behaved around her. 

 

She told how she remained who she was but those around her started to treat her as the monarch, with the decorum and respect such a role deserved. As a result, Helen found herself evolving into Elizabeth, our Queen. She didn’t need to work on her acting skills, she just needed to be. The rest followed.

 

I believe that might be our monarch’s greatest achievement and one any future monarch would do well to follow. We don’t really need to know much about them, we just want to imagine we do. That way, we can become emersed into their world as we imagine we can draw them into ours. They become part of our extended family. We feel their pain when one child misbehaves or disappoints; we are overjoyed when we experience the delight in their achievements and all the time we can appreciate what we have, even while becoming aware that it may be drawing to a close.  

 

The Queen and her family represents a sense of stability that many of us long for, especially when it goes missing within our own lives. We are convinced she – and they – are there for us in times of trouble when some of us long to feel safe.

 

It doesn’t matter whether it is true, it matters that many of us believe it to be true and that brings us comfort. We are herd animals and we prefer to live within a group. Our Queen is the head of our herd and we party and celebrate as we acknowledge the role she plays on our behalf.

 

Her silence reveals nothing but allows us to believe we know all. And that is the secret of her success and what the power of projection is all about. 

 

A Cautionary Tale

 

I was recently told about an incident in which a woman and a young child were assaulted while in the car.

 

The assault was on the car, rather than the persons, but I’m told it can be classified as a criminal assault.

 

I’ll give a brief description: The driver was driving down a one-way street in a London residential area and stopped to tell the driver of another car travelling the wrong way down the street of his mistake. It was just after 12 noon. So far, so uncontroversial.

 

Now’s the worrying bit. To the original driver’s surprise and shock, a passenger jumped out of the car in the wrong, started screaming obscene insults and verbal abuse and telling the female driver to “F*** off” out of the way. He was also holding what looked like a giant electric screwdriver and was gesticulating with it as if he were about to use it - perhaps thrusting it through the partially open window.

 

At this point, the female driver froze. That was the amygdala part of her brain doing what it’s supposed to do - reacting purely emotionally to an unknown threat. This is a natural response to those who are aware of the “flight, fright or freeze” response we all of us will have when confronted with something threatening. What’s really of interest is how each of us do respond in reality. We may think we know what we’ll do. We rarely do. 

 

That’s why people in conflict zones are trained in how to cope with a particular situation. The idea is that, if they are forced to confront the situation enough, it will become second nature. Their amygdala/reptilian response will thus be partly controlled by the hippocampus (which deals with memory of past events) part of the brain to allow their instant reaction to be bypassed.

 

In this case, it didn’t happen. As the woman froze - and therefore did not instantly drive away - another man leapt out from the back seat of the car and hit the top of the car violently with another menacing and unknown electrical tool. At this point, the woman’s brain seemed to get back into gear and she drove off. 

 

She later reported feeling shocked and unnerved about the whole episode but proud of the fact that she had kept her feeling sufficiently under control to keep her child passenger calm. She accepted the car was damaged but said it could be repaired. All that mattered was that both human beings were safe.

 

The incident was reported to the police and she managed to get CCTV camera footage of the car involved, although not the actual attack.

 

The CCTV information came from a local nursery and the staff there laboriously trawled through the video footage until they found what was required. They didn’t need to; they were just being good citizens. They also explained that the crime level in the area appeared to have risen in recent months and talked about there being an “increased sense of danger out there” as one (male) member of staff put it.

 

He wondered if it was another unimagined consequence of lockdown. Even though lockdown laws and rules are no longer in place, it seems there are still fewer people out and about than there were. And some of those who are resuming their normal lives remain fearful to a certain extent, even wearing masks outside on occasion.

 

That may be a trouble with imposing draconian measures and making them law. It’s hard to reverse them when you decide you want people to get back to normal. Those who obeyed the rules will worry that Covid has not yet gone away and may remain fearful.  

 

Conversely, those who took no notice of lockdown may have been emboldened by the empty streets and it could be we are seeing the consequences of that lack of fear. And then fear breeds fear and so it goes on.

 

There is no moral to this story. It’s just sad. It seems to indicate we need to be careful to speak only to those people we know or recognise. Even an attempt to be helpful might be misconstrued. And that’s not a satisfactory way of living. We human animals need to connect and remain connected, as this painful pandemic has shown. We need adventures and fun and we need to take risks if we’re to have a life worth living. Closing down has not been good for us.

 

PS: I’m adding a small postscript to the story and that is the police have yet to come back to the woman who was the victim of the crime. She’s been told it’s unlikely they will because they are forever short staffed and don’t have the manpower to follow such incidents up. 

 

She did argue that most criminals started small and got bigger and brave the longer they did the work and got away with it. She felt she was unlikely to be affected by the same crime twice but worried that the four young criminals she’d come across might, if not stopped soon, become even more violent in the future. 

 

One police officer did assure her someone would come back to her and collect the USB which records the evidence for which they’re looking. A police constable has been assigned to the case and will be in touch with her when he’s back on duty. She tells me she’s not holding her breath. 

Photo 1: Will Creswick on Unsplash

Photo 2: Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

 

The Starring Quality for Politicians

We might be on the way to a perfect storm. Tax rises are on their way, energy prices are already there, we’re probably in for a new bout of food shortages because of our reliance on imports and let’s not start talking about the Northern Ireland protocol. If you can explain how it’s working (or should work), you’re doing a good deal better than me. 

It looks as though our politicians are in for a rough ride for at least the foreseeable future. I’m not too sympathetic. It’s a job that’s very oversubscribed and they chose to enter politics. They can always leave if they’ve had enough, particularly if they have a reasonable level of independent wealth and are not reliant on their MP salaries.

I’ve been wondering what makes a good politician. The qualities needed to get there seem obvious. Clearly, determination is way out in front. Can you imagine continually knocking on those doors of strangers, being told firmly to go away and still going on? No, nor me, I’d slink away at the first opportunity. 

 

I’d say you need a strong sense of self-belief, maybe even arrogance, to think that you can do the job better than others, and a resilience to keep on going even after you may feel you’ve been publicly humiliated - not winning that constituency seat for example. Such failure is very much in the public eye; a person needs to be pretty extraordinary to get over that. 

 

And then, if you’re lucky enough to get the job, you need to be almost a verbal contortionist if you’re to be considered for a ministerial prize in the future. Imagine those being sent out to support a PM and then learning within a few hours that their leader had changed his mind, leaving them with metaphorical egg on their face. It’s happened more than once recently. Those ones have to be brazen too.

 

All public figures need charm and believability to convince you/us of the truth of what they’re saying and a persuasive style to assure us their path is the one we should choose.  

 

What do we have so far? Self belief, arrogance, brazenness, charm, calmness under pressure, resilience, persuasiveness and, dare I say it, an ability to interpret the truth just that little bit. It shouldn’t be a prerequisite but, increasingly, that’s how it seems to be. And if you doubt it, go back and read an interview with a key politician about an important issue and then read what s/he has said some while later. You may be surprised to see how their recollections may vary.

 

You may notice that all these qualities can be good or bad, depending on how they are used. Brazenness is borderline just bad but the others have a value that is useful for the common good.

 

There is, however, one stand-alone quality that can only be for the common good and, I’d argue, is essential if you are to be a decent politician or a decent person in any kind of public office. 

 

Empathy, that’s what they need. The ability to be able to imagine and understand what it might be like to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. 

 

Imagine taking a private jet back from a global environmental conference when you’ve just been telling people to cut back on their own carbon footprint.

 

Or maybe you’ve been partying (gathering?) when you made the rules telling people they mustn’t, on pain - best case - of penalty notices and imprisonment or - worst case - helping to destroy the NHS or the life of someone you love. 

 

And then there’s tax rises at the same time as food shortages appear or, when the food’s about, the prices are much higher because of those same shortages. And the person making the decisions about our finances has a spouse with unimaginable wealth. You see where I’m going here?

 

If those in positions of power had imagined how they’d feel in a less privileged position, they might have avoided being in such a pickle now. With empathy, they might have changed one or two of their own actions and thus lessened the chance of a fall in popularity and the potential loss of their own jobs. 

 

I’m not biased. I can think of an ex-minister from another party saying he was: "Intensely relaxed about people getting filthy rich as long as they pay their taxes." Then there was a senior politician from yet another party who left politics and went off to seek his fortune in the US - lucky him, he has.

 

All I’m saying is that it would be so much better for all of us if those in positions of power and influence over our lives could ask themselves how they would feel “if”.

 

If only they could do that, I get the sense it would be so much better for all of us, and maybe we’d all feel better too, even during the tough times ahead.

When Narcissism Turns Real

Many of us will be familiar with the story of Narcissus, the flawed character in Greek mythology who fell in love with his reflection after a dirty trick was played on him by an angry goddess.

 

Poor Narcissus, instead of being grateful that he had been given such good looks and behaving with good grace, was arrogant and dismissive of those around him who didn’t come up to the same standard as him.

 

Inevitably, being a Greek tragedy, it was all going to end badly. Narcissus incurred the wrath of goddess Nemesis when he rejected an approach by nymph Echo who was only looking for a hug. His rejection wounded her so greatly that she faded away until all that was left of her was her echo. 

 

In punishment, Nemesis took Narcissus to a pool where, when he saw his reflection, he fell in love. 

 

It took him some time to understand that a spell had been cast on him and there was no “other” to love. And that, sadly, was the end of him.

 

The moral of the story clearly demonstrates that too much self-love can severely damage your health and well-being in very much the same way that too little can have an equally detrimental effect on a person.

 

Today’s definition of a narcissist has broadened considerably from that tale, so that sometimes it seems as if a person who selfishly disagrees with us and sticks ruthlessly to his/her point of view must be a narcissist, particularly when they’re riding roughshod over us.

 

Narcissism appears to be one of the most difficult personality types to identity. According to the DSM-5, the US classification  manual used by many psychiatrists to diagnose mental disorders, it is hard to diagnose such a disorder because, ironically, people with it don’t tend to present with problems because they don’t see anything wrong with them!

 

However, the DSM gives professionals some clues as to what they might look out for. These include a sense of superiority; a sense of grandiosity, a need for attention and admiration; a sense of uniqueness as well as being self-centred, boastful and pretentious. There is more but this seems like a good start.

 

We all have some - or all - of those qualities in us but the problem arises when they are taken to extreme and when there is no-one who is there to point out where we may be going wrong. 

 

Children often demonstrate a fair few of these characteristics - “I was the best”; “I’m the cleverest”; “I’m the prettiest/strongest”, etc and the ones I’ve investigated seem to have a tremendous sense of self-worth. Who would want to knock that?

 

Unfortunately, though hopefully in a kind way, somebody has to. The charm of a slightly optimistic child might diminish as they grow up into a vainglorious adult. 

 

I suggest one of a parent’s most difficult tasks is trying to find a way of balancing their own innate belief that their child really is the world’s most perfect specimen with the knowledge needed to help that child fit into society in a way that encourages their self-belief but not at the expense of others.  

 

Culture is important here. Japanese children are asked by their parents: “How would you feel if?” as a way of helping them to connect with others. The question encourages the child to imagine how they would react to a given situation. It’s a healthy way of teaching empathy.

 

Conversely, and up until fairly recently, a type of English parent would come down hard on a child that appeared to be over-pleased with him/herself. The British culture didn’t approve of boastfulness or anyone aiming for a starring role. The expression “too big for their boots” comes to mind.  

 

Fortunately, such harshness seems to have softened but we now have the problem of what seems to be that everyone is determined to take centre stage. It’s a problem because not everyone is able and, if we tell the young child they can be anything they wish to be, they may be bitterly disappointed when they find reality isn’t like that.

 

Some experts say narcissists, contrary to how they appear, are internally full of self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Other studies suggest they are among the happiest of people because they have no doubts. 

 

We are unlikely to know for sure because of the dearth of narcissists who present for help but one point we might all agree on is that narcissism is not appealing for those who are around it. 

 

Imagine working for, say, a Russian President, who doesn’t like to hear the word “no” in his presence. What catastrophic mistakes he might make because his ego refused to allow an “other” voice to be heard. It might even lead to war.

 

Or what about an extraordinarily privileged prince who is forced to disappear from view because all those adults couldn’t tell him “no”. He should have supporters, friends or staff to speak out on his behalf, but he seemed to have alienated them to such a degree that he was left all alone vain-glorious. 

 

This also applies to ordinary family, where one person is allowed to take too much control. It may happen so slowly that nobody notices until it’s too late. Too much power is placed in one person’s hands until it ends up not only being the acolytes who suffer, but the narcissists themselves. Their own actions have caused them to thwart themselves.

 

Oh, for the wisdom of the ancient Greeks!

Photo 1:  Marija Zaric on Unsplash

Photo 2:  Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash

 

 

 

 

 

What A Chinese Banquet Can Teach Us About Working Together

I was lucky enough to be invited to a (late) Chinese celebration to mark Chinese New Year.

I was a bit apprehensive - I only knew the person who’d invited me - because I’m not as informed about the culture as I feel I should be and had very little idea what to expect. I try to embrace change and look positively towards the unknown but I have to admit it can sometimes be challenging. 

Fortunately, the company was kind and those fellow diners at my table did their best to include me as they told fascinating stories of their time in the Far East.

The dinner - a banquet really - was presented in a traditional Chinese way. That is, with a revolving glass table that sits on the table top and which can be turned in one direction or another so that each diner helps themselves to a dish.

The dishes are plentiful and intended to be shared. The point of the New Year dinner is to celebrate family and friends, to be thankful for what you have received and to combine and share your provisions with grace and goodwill. A great deal of thought goes into the food and it is important to be aware of the giver’s generosity and to honour the guest in attendance. 

It was easy to acknowledge and be grateful for such a delicious dinner. It was so enjoyable it will remain in my happy memory bank for some time yet.

But I found another thought creeping in as I was enjoying my fare and that was how efficient the system of distribution was. The moveable plate went both clockwise and anti-clockwise and you could see who was helping themselves so there was not a chance of either missing out or accessing your particular choice because you simply turned the style in your direction of travel and, hey presto, there it was! 

It did come unstuck just the once and that was when a guest was helping herself to a dish one side and a fellow guest on the other - who was talking intently to his companion - began to turn the platter in his direction. He was quick and it happened so fast that the first guest still had her hands in the air clutching at the serving spoons with a slight sense of panic as the table moved away from her.  

Delicious dish carnage was only just prevented by a quick intervention from another guest who managed to gain a good grip of the revolving glass and stop it moving. Apologies followed and honour was restored.

That episode brings to mind the plight of cars, traffic lights and roundabouts. If a driver approaching a set of traffic lights just before a roundabout stops his/her car when the lights go red, the traffic from the right-hand side will be able to flow freely, either turning left and going away from the roundabout or turning right to move further into it.

If, however, the driver - and the one behind - continues crossing the line just as the red light appears when their way forward is not clear, the problems start. If it’s busy, that leaves those drivers on the right blocked and unable to move. As the queues snarl up, so does the frustration and the fury. And all for what? The chance of reaching your destination a minute or two ahead of time. Instead, the likelihood is that you - and everyone else - will be stuck in stop-start traffic for a great deal longer than you’d planned.

You may have heard of Stanford University Professor Walter Mischel’s 1972 experiment on pre-school children and their ability to hold out for a culinary reward. Some children gave in to temptation quickly while others were able to contain themselves for a while longer. The children’s progress was followed over the years and those who could hold out the longest were found to do better throughout life than those who gave in to the first temptation.  

Research has moved on and a 2020 study reported in US publication Greater Good goes further and finds that children do even better in this test when they cooperate. The study put two children together in a room, gave them a task to do and left them with a biscuit and permission to either eat it or wait until the researcher returned and then get another one. The study involved children from industrialised Germany and children from a rural community in Kenya to see if there might be a cultural difference. The results were the same. Those children who worked together were able to delay their own gratification for longer showing, the researchers said, that humans found working together for a common goal to be more enjoyable than going it alone.

And that brings me back to the revolving table at the Chinese banquet. It works so well. If only we could remember it’s not just about us serving ourselves, but about sharing with others.