tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50621977538477631552024-03-05T09:02:28.355+00:0096 Harley Psychotherapy latest news<a href="http://www.96harleypsychotherapy.co.uk">www.96harleypsychotherapy.co.uk</a>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comBlogger202125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-19084411484735753692023-06-04T19:10:00.003+01:002023-06-13T09:41:43.082+01:00Celebrating The Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjpwD_LEQeTide3gr8PzMLLKxrXxxIbojeBb6klFTX4lJGkh9k_RBUu3xWzHwGC3-wr9pDuydVxjyOa5tqEU2cZKzitLDJU4givAMMSjlaTW0pMnbCRT6fz0_cv6ZxOyW3NPKIYIY0ylMR7MhBcE9zuKcgCKvrhF5GojNe2FFZJT-xbPzfR65Q-pxd5w/s4867/jan-huber-4OhFZSAT3sw-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2946" data-original-width="4867" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjpwD_LEQeTide3gr8PzMLLKxrXxxIbojeBb6klFTX4lJGkh9k_RBUu3xWzHwGC3-wr9pDuydVxjyOa5tqEU2cZKzitLDJU4givAMMSjlaTW0pMnbCRT6fz0_cv6ZxOyW3NPKIYIY0ylMR7MhBcE9zuKcgCKvrhF5GojNe2FFZJT-xbPzfR65Q-pxd5w/s320/jan-huber-4OhFZSAT3sw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is a new date assigned for us to remember loved ones who are no longer with us. <span style="color: #dca10d; text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://celebrationday.com/">Celebration Day</a></span> is in its second year.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I discovered it first after reading an article about a well-known group of celebrities who were talking about how they planned to remember those they had lost.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Helena Bonham-Carter told The Times how she’d remember her father, Raymond, who died in 2004, by eating fudge in his honour. She explained how he’d give up chocolate for Lent and substitute it with fudge. So she planned to eat fudge in his memory. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Richard E Grant, who lost his beloved wife, Joan, in 2021, revealed he was planning to plant lupins in her honour “because she absolutely adored them”.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIUkc3zae8bjYW9rsWYbwuQhT22kjVWNoAnA6Q-tWovRLAkD9sXnLksy7pDP8BOVGQM-Ph8TfiymZAfDtW1d8_gYJYaDhi8ElYXRmOW5hY4G3VKxC7_3CLsgyO1SnrqaPu1Xdb-1garxA5wJgVPxM95jWRqhToq_v85r051sqzjGffi75MTpbyedCAw/s6000/julie-blake-edison-mi5Ro_CJfAQ-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxIUkc3zae8bjYW9rsWYbwuQhT22kjVWNoAnA6Q-tWovRLAkD9sXnLksy7pDP8BOVGQM-Ph8TfiymZAfDtW1d8_gYJYaDhi8ElYXRmOW5hY4G3VKxC7_3CLsgyO1SnrqaPu1Xdb-1garxA5wJgVPxM95jWRqhToq_v85r051sqzjGffi75MTpbyedCAw/s320/julie-blake-edison-mi5Ro_CJfAQ-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Well-known tree hugger Dame Judi Dench explained she was planning to live up to her reputation by planting another tree. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">"It’s no secret that I adore trees, and I personally plant a tree every time a close friend or relative dies,” she explained. “I have a whole wood of friends and family.”</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The organisers of Celebration Day allocate a Sunday a year to the commemoration and it seems to be connecting with the general public. I predict next year’s event will be even better reported than this year’s. I like that. Anything that allows us to recognise and acknowledge those who have gone before us is a good thing. And, even when the relationship has not been such a happy memory, it can be a time to reflect and examine what it meant to us and to see if we can find some healing from that process.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, I couldn't help but wonder why there was a need for a new special day to remember – and to celebrate such loss. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We already have a number of <a href="https://www.nationalgeographic.co.uk/history-and-civilisation/2019/10/5-festivals-celebrate-dead-around-world"><span style="color: #dca10d;">festivals to remember the dead</span></a> in place. The Christian festival begins with All Hallows’ Eve on 31 October, ahead of All Saints Day to and culminating with All Souls’ Day – for all our dear departed non-saints - on 2 November. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That seems to have been cleverly and pragmatically merged by with Mexico’s Day of the Dead by Christians who brought their own religion to the Mesoamerica region when European explorers colonised that part of the world. Mexico of the modern world still holds on to some of its ancient traditions with families gathering at the gravesides of their ancestors to picnic and party in honour of those who are no more. For them, Halloween is not a night to fear – as ghoulish films and stories might suggest – it is a night to remember, and to venerate.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3cbJsHTR9BnI3Q1wgNRC-vuCpN91VFpWL5ZEbttn_KouLP4lmmb4HMKNPw7tmCj1rbHCGuUSqCd_eMlhqr2PjPTkWldjt7WPKHh4RzDVAeMA85HJ4o7iuQ1y7wMm86N00I2QiubpvdBrdLZWF1NLwrtgrLj7OQy81vql7i9f8wQTRxXOG9EBt87TqtA/s3032/nick-fewings-I3C_eojFVQY-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2021" data-original-width="3032" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3cbJsHTR9BnI3Q1wgNRC-vuCpN91VFpWL5ZEbttn_KouLP4lmmb4HMKNPw7tmCj1rbHCGuUSqCd_eMlhqr2PjPTkWldjt7WPKHh4RzDVAeMA85HJ4o7iuQ1y7wMm86N00I2QiubpvdBrdLZWF1NLwrtgrLj7OQy81vql7i9f8wQTRxXOG9EBt87TqtA/s320/nick-fewings-I3C_eojFVQY-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div>Elsewhere in our richly diverse world, the departed are also allocated their own special time. Religious ceremonies in the Far East include the cleaning of ancestors’ graves and the offerings of favourite dishes for those who are no more, while others combine remembrance with ceremonies to ward off potential evil spirits (in the Halloween tradition) and the avoidance of the wearing of the colour red to keep mischievous spirits away. </span>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">India has its festival of Shraddha, a fortnight of events that encompasses offerings, observances and pilgrimage and even has sub-divided groups for different aspects of how the loved one has died. That seems to demonstrate the care and thought taken when it comes to the bereavement process. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I found a touching connection between the commemoration of Maundy Thursday, the Thursday immediately before Good Friday and the day marking the Last Supper, and the Muslim ceremony of Thursday of the Secrets, which happens around the same time. As well as including dawn visits to the graves of their loved ones, celebrants provide food offerings to children and the poor. It is thought that particular ceremony was started by Saladin in the 12<sup>th</sup> century, as a “way of building bridges between Christians and Muslims in the Levant”.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, as you will observe, we already have a substantial number of days set aside to remember. Is another one really necessary?</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As someone who has worked as a bereavement counsellor for more than a decade, I’ve had the privilege of both learning about loss from a theoretical viewpoint and walking side by side with a person who is themselves grieving. I have accompanied them on their journey through the pain of loss and grief and been privileged in some cases to be a part of their recovery process. Each person is different and no grief is the same. I also know about grief from personal experience. I know what the stabbing pain of loss and the empty void of despair feels like.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFLUe8Q1PaOiElaof1PNKtS80iOmZc31Oglh4h2BleFvbQQvkGKShzlTL_cMcmC-YNFq3ESRICeRchqEy4sVRe6CgquEnPF53eg2fx6gE9iX3HNv6PDCK5vezFAtgJyitnL2VpAZBcqHYGhvWQukWbPvIAdTcqdEsmwoTqQt0Ga3_8A3uOsa6TpwciOw/s4290/jason-leung-Xaanw0s0pMk-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2860" data-original-width="4290" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFLUe8Q1PaOiElaof1PNKtS80iOmZc31Oglh4h2BleFvbQQvkGKShzlTL_cMcmC-YNFq3ESRICeRchqEy4sVRe6CgquEnPF53eg2fx6gE9iX3HNv6PDCK5vezFAtgJyitnL2VpAZBcqHYGhvWQukWbPvIAdTcqdEsmwoTqQt0Ga3_8A3uOsa6TpwciOw/s320/jason-leung-Xaanw0s0pMk-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At one stage it was suggested that a person would be looking to “get over” their grief – usually through time – but I'm relieved to know that is no longer an aspiration. How could it ever have been? Imagine suggesting to someone that they “let go” of their memories or “look forward” to more hopeful times. I’m not sure how that would help. Better to let the bereaved grieve and reach their own conclusions in their own time. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The present thinking on <a href="https://96harleypsychotherapy.blogspot.com/2022/11/grief-price-we-pay-for-love.html" target="_blank">bereavement</a> is that the best way for us to manage our loss is to understand that we carry those we love with us in our hearts, even after we have lost sight of their physical presence. It can be unimaginably painful to accept you will never see/hear/speak to the person you love again in this world. It may be of some comfort later to hold on to the feeling and understanding that we still carry our loved ones within us for all time. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Instead of just one day as a celebration day, I’m drawn towards the idea of imagining every day as one to celebrate. It would be good if we could take a little time during our own busy days to consider how far we’ve travelled and to take in our thoughts and feelings towards those who have joined us on our particular journey. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And if we have valued them enough to remember and grieve for them, then maybe they need to be more than a memory on just one particular day. Maybe we should try to make every day a celebration day. For us, as well as them. </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jan_huber?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jan Huber</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/images/nature/tree?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 2: </i></b></span><b style="font-size: 13px;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/@jannerboy62?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Nick Fewings</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/I3C_eojFVQY?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3:</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></i></b><a href="https://unsplash.com/@ninjason?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Jason Leung</span></i></b></a> <b style="font-size: 13px;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/I3C_eojFVQY?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-64033295554457229922023-05-14T14:39:00.004+01:002023-05-21T10:19:14.950+01:00The Importance of Ritual<br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsmQGORiVOyIcssQXnn0Sy4fqYx4MCbeW6DQPlcFDkOq-LxPoCXhisrGh1G5sMdLC9Jx4r472q3i6t-v6_KMvd5huiLEaoaZhV3aB_Z-y3WxjDGDe6IFgUKxD3vIOW4DIXMkp-MUOF6Fyc7ixMxiu4OV7zMnxlhHClxHiuJ3SbvGbtcXuNA_g_FrL9hQ/s5184/Coronation_of_Charles_III_and_Camilla_-_King's_Procession_(02).jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsmQGORiVOyIcssQXnn0Sy4fqYx4MCbeW6DQPlcFDkOq-LxPoCXhisrGh1G5sMdLC9Jx4r472q3i6t-v6_KMvd5huiLEaoaZhV3aB_Z-y3WxjDGDe6IFgUKxD3vIOW4DIXMkp-MUOF6Fyc7ixMxiu4OV7zMnxlhHClxHiuJ3SbvGbtcXuNA_g_FrL9hQ/s320/Coronation_of_Charles_III_and_Camilla_-_King's_Procession_(02).jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Well, that went well, didn’t it? What a coronation! The pomp and ceremony that the British do better than any other country in the world. Months in the planning, three hours max in the delivery and it’s all over until the next time.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Allowing a little time to pass since the ceremony itself, I’ve been considering and reading the pros and cons about such an event. The King himself reportedly wants to reign over a “slimmed down” version of the monarchy and his Coronation was intended to show how the Carolean age will be an example of that. Fair enough. He’s king. He’s the one who has the final decision. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Except, of course, there is the government of the day and it’s hard to imagine politicians wouldn’t want to take an opportunity to have their say so. You can just picture Palace and government officials telling His Majesty that a coronation during a cost-of-living crisis “shouldn’t be too ornate”. And you can imagine a man who we’re told is very sensitive to being seen to do the right thing, trying hard not to offend.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, what did we get? A spectacular coach. Two to be precise. Fewer coronets and tiaras – fewer women altogether in fact – and more men (politicians) in suits. The ceremony and the music was certainly rousing and I found the part where the King was anointed and crowned surprisingly moving. Personally, I thought there was an argument for a bit more joy in the music and a little less choral, but that’s just me. It might relate to memories of singing psalms at school. I always preferred uplifting hymns.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Was everyone satisfied? The crowds certainly seemed to be as did the participants and those lucky enough to be invited to attend at Westminster Abbey. Generally, from the media reviews I’ve read and seen, it was considered a good show. A job well done.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp6_5uTSQweBtWE5vpl9XTlt3GrEveo2CNisrP5hdnDEy4Lfj2Bn4uXYnIgtxAKA2IYA5dB6IjqHy9UbbiaeUFUtFvfhmSgLCR83f56RK-nLhzLXLWfnHkxBJGaTpoSnx0hjeH7uDUYeUUt1I5jQ2rNibdGOYrnw7h0-u-wEcc3rvmMLY1eDNpATClWg/s8352/chris-boland-yeR3iSsooGI-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5568" data-original-width="8352" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp6_5uTSQweBtWE5vpl9XTlt3GrEveo2CNisrP5hdnDEy4Lfj2Bn4uXYnIgtxAKA2IYA5dB6IjqHy9UbbiaeUFUtFvfhmSgLCR83f56RK-nLhzLXLWfnHkxBJGaTpoSnx0hjeH7uDUYeUUt1I5jQ2rNibdGOYrnw7h0-u-wEcc3rvmMLY1eDNpATClWg/w400-h266/chris-boland-yeR3iSsooGI-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are one or two remaining niggles. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">First, the problem with a slimmed down monarchy is that the balcony at Buckingham Palace looked a bit bare. It’s designed for a lot of people and the 15 or 20-so royals who were there were not enough to fill the space. And where were the youth? If the Royal Family intends to continue its role as Britain’s family-in-chief, then we need the whole group, warts and all, not just those at the top of the tree.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Like all families, the royals have their own disappointments and, without naming names, I can understand why one or two of them might have been left off the balcony showstopper. Some chose to move on in a private capacity while another was deemed to have behaved too badly to be allowed on public display.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But what about the other blameless siblings, in-laws and offspring who were omitted by default? (Sarah Ferguson, btw, should have been invited to the service if Camilla’s ex was, and he was.) That seems mean. Zara and Mike Tindall, Beatrice and Eugenie and their husbands are all immediate relatives of the King. They add a bit of joy and colour – and gossip – to his subjects/citizens’ lives and we like to see them. They are part of the ritual of Charles’ life and that means they have become part of ours. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Close your eyes and imagine how it would have looked if all the royals had been on the balcony as they usually were. Our beloved one and only Queen would be missing of course and it would take a little mental reshuffling of the characters to get past that, but we’d have taken comfort in the familiarity of the main cast and accepted life moves on. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Those of us interested enough would have been able to glory in the occasion or, if we were in typical family mode and feeling a bit more bitchy, we could have criticised the dress sense and styles of those who displeased us. It’s what we do after all and it’s how family events work. Everyone’s invited and we must make the best of it.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In this case, I think King Charles was not wise to go with the political idea less is more. I don’t think so. I think more is more. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgheh7qSqj-mng4dI2sLNrS05Pqmu-hOr-xAnnJkCvvHI4xlVBokQD7SDjLtLowT4nqbqcCfd-1iwY1wLKkZZ8Ti2NmyLX_jMoZAN0IjxTwDfA3XC3vxY-RcebfrvAnqPJlH1KT4Trh0kWc2YgrIa5re7GzL-bnJRjfZxkhSwaJD5p1lBAZKs-gjWK38Q/s4406/adrian-raudaschl-QIjKArDBMB0-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2937" data-original-width="4406" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgheh7qSqj-mng4dI2sLNrS05Pqmu-hOr-xAnnJkCvvHI4xlVBokQD7SDjLtLowT4nqbqcCfd-1iwY1wLKkZZ8Ti2NmyLX_jMoZAN0IjxTwDfA3XC3vxY-RcebfrvAnqPJlH1KT4Trh0kWc2YgrIa5re7GzL-bnJRjfZxkhSwaJD5p1lBAZKs-gjWK38Q/w400-h266/adrian-raudaschl-QIjKArDBMB0-unsplash.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Important parts of our lives are marked by rites of passage. Our birth, and birthdays, Christenings or alternative religious inclusions, our comings of age, our marriages, births of our children and, at the end of it all, our deaths. All marked by ritual, a vital way of trying to get our own handle and understanding on what life’s all about. Without this, many of us might feel lost. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It could be argued this sense of ritual also applies to the rhythm of therapy, a ritual where one agrees to meet the same person at the same time in the same place each week. That ritual creates the conditions for healing to take place. Ritual helps.</p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEistIKr2u4nGtk1VWc8x7oFM4JFoQ1LnNw9GwFIOnl7_SCN4NRrFcqTPh3Scdn_7wsvaKl0eNGHirppTX86EwsWUyQ1rvLvJ6b1i896GB7FdbZr4xUPDysL9tZTQ5g-U7avW7nmSeayoWGCKGuZ7kp6VgbHbk7UOpPwu0hYu97lGrEUiUEnZFTKdnLHEw/s799/52875279140_d5f4cfe544_c.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="799" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEistIKr2u4nGtk1VWc8x7oFM4JFoQ1LnNw9GwFIOnl7_SCN4NRrFcqTPh3Scdn_7wsvaKl0eNGHirppTX86EwsWUyQ1rvLvJ6b1i896GB7FdbZr4xUPDysL9tZTQ5g-U7avW7nmSeayoWGCKGuZ7kp6VgbHbk7UOpPwu0hYu97lGrEUiUEnZFTKdnLHEw/w400-h266/52875279140_d5f4cfe544_c.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, I’d like to make a plea for the royals to remember that this is not just about them, it is about us too. And I’m not just talking about future coronations, I’m talking about celebrations, bringing a nation together, allowing us to collectively participate. We need such rituals, we deserve them and, when life is looking bleak, they are more necessary than ever. And the more glorious and over-the-top, the better. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My charming, talented and artistic 94-year-old friend, who remembers the last Coronation, said she’d enjoyed this one and was glad the ceremony itself was shortened. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, she added, she’d have liked to have seen more ladies in long dresses and more tiaras, along with “a bit more splash of colour”. She's still got it.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: Katie Chan - Wikimedia Commons </span></i></b></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@londonweddingphotographer?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Chris Boland</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/yeR3iSsooGI?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 3: </i></b><a href="https://unsplash.com/@raudaschl?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><b><i>Adrian Raudaschl</i></b></a><b><i> on </i></b><b><i><a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/QIjKArDBMB0?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b><span style="caret-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: black;">Photo 4: </span></b></i></span><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Armand Attard/DCMS</span></i></b></p><div><b style="font-size: 13px;"><i><br /></i></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div><br />96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-75771412252108766842023-04-17T11:23:00.004+01:002023-04-17T14:48:49.153+01:00Far from the Madding Crowds<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4v92Ao802_J4w7yZj-VLmpqUezSufMsccFe9DKIWuxgxsFV7boYUdwMPqSnRJ06Ev19Nq6EwEULYuMl4n3dq1wHssvNquZgVYWzYC_fUIoBa4IKLPlgLo7-hdq_s5xgUYA7SfV3gzFU3BrgkJ1xPvo1szN4fveydxmOh6eNeZT-mdMIa2DYCH_fKHGw/s3641/john-cameron-8Qqq7mlO1Vo-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2730" data-original-width="3641" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4v92Ao802_J4w7yZj-VLmpqUezSufMsccFe9DKIWuxgxsFV7boYUdwMPqSnRJ06Ev19Nq6EwEULYuMl4n3dq1wHssvNquZgVYWzYC_fUIoBa4IKLPlgLo7-hdq_s5xgUYA7SfV3gzFU3BrgkJ1xPvo1szN4fveydxmOh6eNeZT-mdMIa2DYCH_fKHGw/s320/john-cameron-8Qqq7mlO1Vo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;">The sightseeing season is under way. Hopes of warmer weather encourages the winter stay-at-homes to explore beyond their front doors. My </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">big adventure was a trip to central London to investigate Sea Life, followed by a trip on the London Eye where </span>the crowds are out in force.<p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's a long time since I've had an expedition like this, probably pre-Covid and I think I'm suffering with the leftover fear of a large group of people and the potential for virus contagion. I had a small companion who was another body caught up in lockdown but I was relieved to see the hesitancy she showed towards others during that period has now gone. She was boisterous and excited. Thank goodness for the resilience of youth. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We had a glitch with a signal failure at Waterloo which involved a change of plan to bus and Tube. My little friend has never liked loud noises and who knew the London Underground could be that noisy. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">After various changes where I, the leader, became completely lost, we reached Waterloo.</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"> This is a trip I once was used to. It's alarming how easily we can find ourselves trapped in our own imagination, if we allow others to convince us it's the right move. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The crowds. I’m short, so is she. She will grow. It’s not easy manoeuvring this way and that when you - I - barely come up to someone else's shoulder and when you're clutching an even smaller person's hand. She surprised me by her dexterity at getting her way to the front of the Sea World aquarium slots without seeming to wind others up. I had a bit more trouble there.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcd6--u3MZF58DThfHVhikIW0hSYJQaXtowuDFsHm20DuxeFYFAQGWnlXHSAcnKFePKCh6WE4NioFD5A0QGGvWHlx4VZTXZU0SebFvh18rzL5JOVOoW-HHjPGQS07M0kvHClvAsQfOAFI_FMpZKMJKdfMlA8kJ_LXt52evVTd8_8IDOz-KcvBNBdRkmg/s3872/biljana-martinic-KjFBdofUjco-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="3872" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcd6--u3MZF58DThfHVhikIW0hSYJQaXtowuDFsHm20DuxeFYFAQGWnlXHSAcnKFePKCh6WE4NioFD5A0QGGvWHlx4VZTXZU0SebFvh18rzL5JOVOoW-HHjPGQS07M0kvHClvAsQfOAFI_FMpZKMJKdfMlA8kJ_LXt52evVTd8_8IDOz-KcvBNBdRkmg/s320/biljana-martinic-KjFBdofUjco-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What I did find different from my pre-Covid explorations is the increasing absorption of other visitors with photographing and videoing via their smart phones, to the extent that they seemed to have no awareness of others around them. They pressed their screens to the </span>aquarium<span style="font-family: inherit;"> face as they filmed the </span>sharks<span style="font-family: inherit;"> or the penguins, and then they turned round to do their own selfies with the same creatures. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But not that many people stood and watched the creatures as they were, in real time. It was strange. There was all this extraordinary other worldliness to observe but they weren't really looking. They were missing out on real life in order to record what they might see later. Memories are great but not as a </span>replacement<span style="font-family: inherit;"> for the initial experience. </span></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Next stop was a little more complicated with the step up onto the Eye needing careful negotiation, particularly as the wheel continued to move and I was holding tightly onto my charge's hand. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought I was over the worst but that came seconds later with the sensation of speed as people propelled themselves into the gondola. Exquisitely dressed women in their 20s and 30s were pushing ahead to secure a bird’s window position. What was the rush and there were limited spaces so surely there was room for everyone?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And then, as the smart phones came out and the elegant mouths moued into familiar poses, I realised what it was about. I was a bystander in a giant social media shoot; the young women moving languidly from one side to the other, arms outstretched, clothes artfully positioned as they posed for the perfect shot. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Among the sea of people, they were all alone, seemingly oblivious to the "other" who were standing to one side perhaps also hoping for a chance to see this spectacular bird's eye view of London.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought I was the only one feeling just that bit irritated by the pushing and shoving so was pleased when a lady from California – suitably dressed in jeans and jumper – started to tell the gang off. They ignored her but I felt better. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Generations do things differently. It’s how we make progress. We want to make our own mark on life and to improve on what’s gone before. It’s natural to believe the generation before you is not as good as you are, or you are going to be. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It may be an age thing. My own youthful preoccupations were certainly connected with how other people viewed me. I got over that (long-enough) phase when I genuinely realised that others were so preoccupied with how they were seen that they didn’t have time to give me much thought. It was oddly comforting.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The big difference now is the actual evidence showing how other people’s perception of you can matter and make a difference. Smart phones wouldn't work if people didn't want to be seen by others. And if those others like what they see on social media, an influencer will gain enough followers to monetarise their account. If you have enough followers, sponsorship or advertising arrives. Meanwhile, the person who blends into an ordinary world – as most of us do – is not appealing to these advertisers. So why would anyone want to be ordinary?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have to admit to admiring these would-be influencers. They are feisty. They know what they want and they are trying to get it. It’s also not easy being dressed up to the nines all the time, with beautiful, sleeked back hair, cream coats (in London, really?) and high, high heels. That takes a lot of work because you're always on show. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But how will they feel if they don’t make it into the arena of success? Where do they go from there? At what point will they admit defeat and go back to ordinary, or will they ever? It’s bad enough feeling awkward if you’re embarrassed on a small scale but social media is something else. Who wants to see personal shame projected on a full-scale screen? Not many.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have a little postscript to this story. I had pointed out Big Ben (obvious) to my little friend and was trying to find Buckingham Palace which seemed difficult to spot, for me at any rate. I felt joyful when I did and was excitedly telling her where to look.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">“Excuse me,” said one of the would-be influencers in heavily accented English. “Can you show me where is Buckingham Palace?”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I could and did and she smiled charmingly as she moved off to point it out to her equally glamorous friends. I was surprised to find the exchange had softened my irritation towards her. A part of me even hopes her influencer aspirations will turn out better than my experience of the school of hard knocks indicates it might. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; white-space: nowrap;">Photo 1: </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/@john_cameron?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: initial; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out; white-space: nowrap;">John Cameron</a><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; white-space: nowrap;"> on </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/london-eye?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: initial; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out; white-space: nowrap;">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><b><i><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; white-space: nowrap;">Photo 2: </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/@biljaminai?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: initial; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out; white-space: nowrap;">Biljana Martinić</a><span style="background-color: whitesmoke; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; white-space: nowrap;"> on </span><a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/KjFBdofUjco?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText" style="background-color: initial; box-sizing: border-box; color: #767676; text-decoration-skip-ink: auto; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out, opacity 0.1s ease-in-out; white-space: nowrap;">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-47845014286193479142023-03-20T12:56:00.002+00:002023-03-26T12:39:45.965+01:00Arise Sir Dad!<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8PdAYJw8_GbmJ4eH1KUCfmHHSLCfWrOnZhncr0mlG8pPCiZdhTdXDIRH1tSsE9-RgOA2HKC8sxl_UJrcZ7QQgQg7lDmH-GOrh01vqiHr2UHAUqkz1jvItsxL7jFZBuprxciWgaMqciKAvFIVaBjTE17F_zI3O7CbP-jMRG6c33tRMak820eDBc-NE3Q/s3800/michael-dziedzic-ioIc2yH4xLU-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3041" data-original-width="3800" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8PdAYJw8_GbmJ4eH1KUCfmHHSLCfWrOnZhncr0mlG8pPCiZdhTdXDIRH1tSsE9-RgOA2HKC8sxl_UJrcZ7QQgQg7lDmH-GOrh01vqiHr2UHAUqkz1jvItsxL7jFZBuprxciWgaMqciKAvFIVaBjTE17F_zI3O7CbP-jMRG6c33tRMak820eDBc-NE3Q/s320/michael-dziedzic-ioIc2yH4xLU-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I was told of a client in therapy who only wanted to talk about the present and not “go there” about childhood matters. That was clear and, for the person-centred psychotherapist/counsellor, it meant that was where he and the client were going. What the client wants – within reason – the client gets.</span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The conversation had occurred after the client became distressed while referring to events in his childhood. He left that weekly session with his counsellor feeling worse than when he had arrived. He didn’t like that feeling and wanted to keep apart from it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Sometimes a client feels worse after a talking therapy session than before. A therapist will explain to a prospective client that h/she may feel more unhappy at the start of their journey than they expect. They will be reassured however that the aim of the process is for the client to work through these feelings within the space and ultimately leave the process feeling better and more able to cope with the future than they were before they began counselling.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Counselling and psychotherapy are often used in an interchangeable way because there is no strict legal definition of where one begins and one ends.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">However, it can be argued that counselling is more concerned with the here and now, whereas psychotherapy work will involve delving into the past to see why a client may be behaving in a way that is not necessarily helpful to them and why they keep doing it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Talking therapies such as CBT are favoured in general terms because they are seen as goal-oriented and ways of helping a person change behaviour within a short period of time. As such, it would be considered counselling for the “here and now”. Time-focused clients referred to a clinician by, say, an insurer paid for by an employee, will often cite CBT as the way they want to go. It is said to work well for a person who is used to working with goals and assessments and someone who likes to see quick results. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">That is a reasonable expectation and studies show it works. If you learn how to deal with a problem which has previously “triggered” you, there is every possibility that you will have some awareness of how to deal with it should be triggered again. That applies for other equally “triggering” challenges.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">However, there could be a problem if the triggers threaten to overwhelm you and, after managing to find a way through one, you find another pops up to disarm you just when you are least expecting it. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">At that point, I’d suggest some psychotherapy might be helpful. Delving into your past to discover why you are behaving – and repeating the behaviour – in a way that is not good for you could be helpful. Maybe it might even be useful for us when it comes to choosing our public figures.<o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeSlL0E4zoT4OVILgsHG3cgQDyMhXoUYNfu1-iPskZ7OVBpC5ZoDfWcfAD6K7rirUYA5OEGzhJaHEWMpzA2gF3sJok8PTPyy2rBKfv05PG0-zCvoip8fsm1sfpWsHOrcq08UfdOdGU71qiakCbPA0rxfraSfzl7rotb7qDQ426fIgYCMsx4D8jE-cpJg/s3131/nik-z1d-LP8sjuI-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3131" data-original-width="2565" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeSlL0E4zoT4OVILgsHG3cgQDyMhXoUYNfu1-iPskZ7OVBpC5ZoDfWcfAD6K7rirUYA5OEGzhJaHEWMpzA2gF3sJok8PTPyy2rBKfv05PG0-zCvoip8fsm1sfpWsHOrcq08UfdOdGU71qiakCbPA0rxfraSfzl7rotb7qDQ426fIgYCMsx4D8jE-cpJg/s320/nik-z1d-LP8sjuI-unsplash.jpg" width="262" /></a></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I’ve been thinking recently about former prime minister Boris Johnson’s relationship with his father. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">There is the recent row about Johnson junior reportedly wanting to give Johnson senior a knighthood through his end-of-term honours list. Brother Jo has already been made a peer, at older brother Boris’s request. While that may surprise some onlookers, we understand Jo had a ministerial role in politics and Boris felt he was right to reward him.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">But, when it comes to his dad, the relationship seems very different. We read about situations with Boris’s father and mother – the airing controversy over the issue left one TV presenter resigning from a voluntary and worthy post she’d held for 25 years – and might be confused as to why Papa Johnson deserves his knighthood. Sister Rachel weighed in, saying her father deserved his K for services to the environment. She may be right, it’s just that we are not entirely aware of all he’s done.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">From a therapeutic point of view, it’s fascinating to see an adult family still so clearly involved. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Ordinarily, it may not matter, particularly if all are happy with the status quo. </span><span style="font-family: helvetica;">But, I’d argue, from a public point of view, we need to know. The dynamics between Stanley and his offspring seem to be not much changed since childhood. Stanley was the boss then and appears to be the boss now. That is likely to have an effect on those children who still seek his approval. Could it be that the indecisiveness Boris is so often accused of has its roots in childhood? Then there’s the competitive element – we’re told Boris must win at all costs; where did that come from? And as for a need to be loved, well, we’d better not go there.</span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">None of this would be our business if Boris had never entered politics. But he did, and his internal thought and decision-making process mattered. They still do. It is too late to turn back the clock on some of the big decisions he influenced and took but perhaps we need to explore the motivations of our politicians of the future. We need to know what makes them tick.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijb0cHdChhtUY7KF7O_GtB6vjdI1p0nvzYxJKupJjczBdMagGsRWGmPOtD6YPY3_6U6sp_vwFSiZanrtdXssWL3n8iCm7iUgA8X9YB_LHr4OiMK_dBMmADE8aSp78ncviYel8tLs-I2aVXrXQCZC6-5vZ2wR9N-sroBpQ4CRNZAusKr76AO0unl-AE2Q/s5184/brett-jordan-dTtwulMKkZE-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3888" data-original-width="5184" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijb0cHdChhtUY7KF7O_GtB6vjdI1p0nvzYxJKupJjczBdMagGsRWGmPOtD6YPY3_6U6sp_vwFSiZanrtdXssWL3n8iCm7iUgA8X9YB_LHr4OiMK_dBMmADE8aSp78ncviYel8tLs-I2aVXrXQCZC6-5vZ2wR9N-sroBpQ4CRNZAusKr76AO0unl-AE2Q/s320/brett-jordan-dTtwulMKkZE-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p>Returning to the client mentioned earlier, their therapist stayed with the client’s request to keep sessions current but could not help noticing how the client kept referring to their past. This was pointed out to the client.</span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Gradually, as the client came to realise what effect the past had had on their present and as trust in the therapist grew, the relationship deepened with the client revealing more of their inner self, allowing them to see how early behaviour had adversely affected their adult life.</span><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Years of early learning that confuses the soul can take a long time to unravel and there may well be some sadness, anger and distress along the way. It requires a brave person to travel down the road of self-discovery but it’s a journey that can be so rewarding.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 20px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash </span></b></i></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: Nik on Unsplash</span></b></i></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3: Brett Jordan on Unsplash</span></b></i></span></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-20042241349626598532023-02-06T13:05:00.007+00:002023-02-09T09:28:20.659+00:00The Importance of Teddy<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBRelye2PMUAhBaO2k-v_uR7M86LDvimJ3MSw6jZGOm-GLLC9hlOZIOoWgt_UFHR4VoTbZxAP7S8kmw000vy9YtL5zQ-KA0iqQM3W7tCUup_4f7CXX74XDg7ZuL9LKr_jc0SwC6fj1qe37Ro6esajc9lizvSNHz1ZI_lkN5wNfGtJaiAf2R0Kt_UmYeg/s6000/laurie-gouley-M_6HyDaM_Sc-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBRelye2PMUAhBaO2k-v_uR7M86LDvimJ3MSw6jZGOm-GLLC9hlOZIOoWgt_UFHR4VoTbZxAP7S8kmw000vy9YtL5zQ-KA0iqQM3W7tCUup_4f7CXX74XDg7ZuL9LKr_jc0SwC6fj1qe37Ro6esajc9lizvSNHz1ZI_lkN5wNfGtJaiAf2R0Kt_UmYeg/s320/laurie-gouley-M_6HyDaM_Sc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Did you ever have a cuddly friend of some description when you were little? Do you remember its name? Or, even better, do you have it still? </span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I’d bet good money that you can answer yes to at least two of those questions, possibly three. In researching this blog, I’ve done a non-scientific study of friends, acquaintances and work colleagues and had a 99% recurring response saying yes to all three.</span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Some respondents admit that, while they still have the cuddly, it’s hidden away from plain sight in some corner of the attic. I find it interesting that they still know exactly where the once-beloved is, so the link has not gone entirely. Others proudly keep the cuddly toy(s) on display. There’s no embarrassment there. The soft toy remains part of the family.</span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I began thinking of this when reading about Prince Andrew’s collection of teddies and the fury he is reported to have shown to staff when they were not set up in the way he’d left them. There was a story told about a maid sent upstairs to draw his curtains (we’re talking Andrew as an adult here) and she inadvertently moved them out of position. </span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">We have two issues here. One would concern – and perhaps be concerned by - an adult male having someone drawing his curtains for him. But let's park that. We know the rich are different.</span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"> </span></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">What particularly interests me in Andrew’s case is that he has such a collection of teddies, and treasures them still. Some people might suggest a large part of him remains a small child or, at least, attached to those he loved as a child.</span></p>
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<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">In the world of psychology, the description of a cuddly animal is more austere. It goes by the phrase “transitional object”. It was first used by the much-admired paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott as a way of explaining how a baby begins the difficult transition from baby as extension of mother and baby as individual and separate person. </span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWhE4Sdtql0b2KZwzUur0crkHTo1sI2bzZsNr0vw7bcHeoHPQq4ng75aYdCHhkAtrZ83eqBnBzHwBbqbD4KnkTXKGuaJHe_2FvxOR4qHsuFGl95KUnhKpqTNFMGAS5f7p3jCfdVx_KYl3toRxwWuMlDdDFC227-XYmTWn7Ail4WTebUHpBFff2G8GCPQ/s4037/ana-tablas-oB0xbLwcaMw-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3016" data-original-width="4037" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWhE4Sdtql0b2KZwzUur0crkHTo1sI2bzZsNr0vw7bcHeoHPQq4ng75aYdCHhkAtrZ83eqBnBzHwBbqbD4KnkTXKGuaJHe_2FvxOR4qHsuFGl95KUnhKpqTNFMGAS5f7p3jCfdVx_KYl3toRxwWuMlDdDFC227-XYmTWn7Ail4WTebUHpBFff2G8GCPQ/s320/ana-tablas-oB0xbLwcaMw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">The baby, of course, has no idea of this. To begin with, it is of its mother, it has no stand-alone self. But, as it grows and develops, the separation begins and the baby starts to develop its own sense of separateness. We all do it – or, ideally, we are all programmed to do it – but, even so, it must be a very hard and frightening time.</span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Imagine the “perfect” set up where the mother caters for her baby’s every need. She is for ever on hand to feed, change, comfort and love. And then, as the baby begins to grasp that h/she is not an extension of that all-loving parent, there is increased reason for insecurity and uncertainty. The baby’s unconscious thought process must be fearing the worst and wondering what happens now? </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">And this is where the transitional (TO) object comes in. The baby is given something soft and reassuring to cuddle. An object that belongs just to him or her. It doesn’t have to be a cuddly creature, by the way, (although it usually is); it could be a piece of cloth or some other soft item intended purely for this baby. Gradually, the cuddly takes on a scent and feel that the baby will take comfort from, knowing the object is entirely its own. That means, when the baby is left without its primary carer - as it must be even if only for a short time - the TO is there to provide reassurance. And as the baby grows and matures into a toddler and then a small, speaking child, the TO continues to provide the comfort it always has.</span></p>
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<p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Most nursery schools nowadays encourage new pupils to bring in their favourite cuddly and that’s a very positive sign when you consider it wasn’t always like this. Even 20 years ago, children going to nursery were encouraged to “leave teddy behind, he’ll be waiting for you when you get back”. </span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisXFd8LJmzszJYcTkph2VrWeDH4GweRnLYyukwXsT7fPeVcWHLyZvnGSBU4cH0pYDqJsfF8xtaB-uXUNzh5ipKKZOlxOme6qfOxYwlgc7CFpq7Pz6eK7o9KFv0ZPWmrhH_il8oUc-wghApvw1bxu5PDIhA5gfqTpS7mMZXMMMU_D1nL02eHOB3GXwjQg/s7360/alexander-dummer-x4jRmkuDImo-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4912" data-original-width="7360" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisXFd8LJmzszJYcTkph2VrWeDH4GweRnLYyukwXsT7fPeVcWHLyZvnGSBU4cH0pYDqJsfF8xtaB-uXUNzh5ipKKZOlxOme6qfOxYwlgc7CFpq7Pz6eK7o9KFv0ZPWmrhH_il8oUc-wghApvw1bxu5PDIhA5gfqTpS7mMZXMMMU_D1nL02eHOB3GXwjQg/s320/alexander-dummer-x4jRmkuDImo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><span style="font-size: x-small;">Again, I imagine it was meant for the best and the worry about a worse-case scenario of the child losing that treasured possession. Still, I’m glad rules have changed. </span></span><div><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">I believe the TO is a vital part of each transitional journey. The change from being a big cog in a small environment (home) to a small cog in an ever-changing environment (nursery) needs to be handled with care. The TO is a loving reminder of the attachment between the family and the child. Even though the parent is absent, the replacement TO helps keep the child feeling safe. </span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"><br /></span></p><p style="font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue";">The conversation about a child feeling secure cannot be left without mention of John Bowlby, with whom Winnicott worked, and his theory on attachment which he split into categories - secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganised.</span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If all the ducks are in a row, the child should develop a secure attachment. If not, there may be trouble ahead. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m reminded of Brideshead Revisited and Aloysius, the bear belonging to Lord Sebastian Flyte, the central figure of the book. Although a young adult, Sebastian keeps his bear with him at all time, as a comfort against the troubles he has with his family. The bear's lovable qualities remained with Sebastian as a substitute for the loving family he might have wanted.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I'm relieved to report not all tales end as sadly as that. I have recently been to visit a successful and contented lady recovering in a nursing home after a fall. She is in her 90s and has lived her life surrounded by love and external acclaim. She says she has been lucky and very happy.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I noticed, when I stood up to leave, that in pride of place on her pillow was a delightfully aged cuddly toy. I asked her about it. “Oh, that’s …” she said, naming him with a wide and joyful smile. “He’s been with me longer than I can remember. He comes with me everywhere.”</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I found that strangely comforting. No awkwardness, no embarrassment, just pure acknowledgement of the importance of her beloved companion. My lady’s transitional object is her lifelong and permanent friend.</span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@eclecticgreenwitchery?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Laurie Gouley</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/baby-and-teddy?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/de/@tablas08?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Ana Tablas</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/baby-and-mother?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a> </span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3: </span></i></b></span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/pt-br/@4dgraphic?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Alexander Dummer</a></span><span style="color: black;"> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/child-and-nursery-school?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-18496124857657479172023-01-09T11:02:00.007+00:002023-01-10T21:09:05.423+00:00Minding Our Language<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4VEqEpTrRr21ZDAv3piddt2rsoHFqn7l7TilVfvIJPc0_dtn1Jk2RZ5xxRufwhXpwfl3x7wVMhBNloyaLBRen7EQuYOVV5_cmdlz2mXA6uuiuQPUqu0oz9O4cMTPUu8xvRQE03LWZMpPunMrPMU7rVLta7DVTmb8xeM6bmNONeFGpU9QskEL80qzilg/s5184/brett-jordan-POMpXtcVYHo-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3888" data-original-width="5184" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4VEqEpTrRr21ZDAv3piddt2rsoHFqn7l7TilVfvIJPc0_dtn1Jk2RZ5xxRufwhXpwfl3x7wVMhBNloyaLBRen7EQuYOVV5_cmdlz2mXA6uuiuQPUqu0oz9O4cMTPUu8xvRQE03LWZMpPunMrPMU7rVLta7DVTmb8xeM6bmNONeFGpU9QskEL80qzilg/s320/brett-jordan-POMpXtcVYHo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">At the start of any new year, most of us look forwards with ideas and plans for the future. </span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We may reflect on what is past and decide to let go of what doesn’t work well for us and invest a little more effort in what we think we can and want to change.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sometimes our resolutions are effective and we can be pleased with what we achieve. Sometimes they’re less so, in which case we may need to move on and try something else.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The one thing most of us don’t do, however, is look back and dwell endlessly on the past. Reflecting and learning from it is good, holding on to a grudge is not. In the end, it’s usually we who suffer, not the person or people with whom we feel furious.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wonder if that’s why there’s been so much astonishment at the recent publication of a certain royal person’s memoir. The revelations within are extraordinary, of course, and way too much, but the readers’ response has been almost visceral. Commentators are appalled and, for every one person who still supports the once-admired prince, there are dozens more who are not at all happy with what he’s written. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As a lay person, I’m pretty shocked at all he’s offered out there to people who he doesn’t know from Adam and who may not have his best interests at heart. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For example, what about the republicans who don’t like the Royal Family and want to see the institution gone? I wonder how Harry would feel if one day he found he’d played a big part in the downfall of something that he still maintains he admires? The Royal Family has a private and a public part but it’s becoming harder and harder to separate the two and Harry’s book has not helped.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6HBEpclcWTmxs7rKtgg7KT4tVjqUWqARGsgPDCTQIy8yIJJ9QhfJ6-Xqg70ggXyZU3DYFOHYdzUUZiCeKyjaUcqAxHzOXrYf8ggw7lUITFtUBOsUhUxQYTY7C2XHaSVjKGtqVvIknf1pleIgZc8Q_niC5hPLLJmXWV01klMaqykVif722aarnzdCz7g/s3671/etienne-girardet-EP6_VZhzXM8-unsplash.jpg"><img border="0" data-original-height="2753" data-original-width="3671" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6HBEpclcWTmxs7rKtgg7KT4tVjqUWqARGsgPDCTQIy8yIJJ9QhfJ6-Xqg70ggXyZU3DYFOHYdzUUZiCeKyjaUcqAxHzOXrYf8ggw7lUITFtUBOsUhUxQYTY7C2XHaSVjKGtqVvIknf1pleIgZc8Q_niC5hPLLJmXWV01klMaqykVif722aarnzdCz7g/s320/etienne-girardet-EP6_VZhzXM8-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That’s one of the many feelings I have about the situation in a private capacity. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As someone who spent years training - and now practising - as a counsellor/psychotherapist, I’m even more upset. I find it all quite demeaning. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I feel Harry has taken the language used in therapy that can be truly beneficial in a private client-counsellor relationship and incorporated it into a world in which he is at the centre and a laughing stock. I’m not sure how that truly helps mental health.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">To be fair (and part of me doesn’t want to be), it’s not just Harry. It seems to be more generational and probably came about when key words were “discovered” by journalists who had limited awareness of their significance. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unfortunately, what this means is that specific words and phrases, used in therapy between client and counsellor, have been taken out of context and picked up for use in general terms. Words like "denial" and "narcissism" are bandied about with only a vague notion of their clinical meaning.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Another example: a “safe” space, in terms of therapy, means a place where you can reveal your deepest and darkest thoughts and know you are not going to be judged and the counsellor with you should be doing their best to help you in your psychological exploration.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, that “safe” space definition is not the same as the definition of a “safe” space at a university. That phrase is more than likely to be used by a person or group who is opposing a cause to close down any discussion or argument. How does that benefit anyone? And who says my beliefs are more worthy than yours? Do I have the right to shut you down publicly because of it? No I don't. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are other words – narrative, journey, “my” truth – that have been turned inside out to mean the opposite of what was intended. In a therapeutic relationship, “my” truth is used to understand the client’s point of view. It doesn’t mean it is actually true – it’s his or her belief or how they see the situation. That gives the therapist the chance to explore and question that particular belief in a thoughtful way that is trying to understand where the client is coming from. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A good therapist will work in an empathetic way with a client to clarify and question their client’s beliefs. The therapist’s job is not to swallow whole all that the client says or believes - that would make their role pointless. It would be the equivalent of an echo chamber (another alternatively interpreted phrase) which would be likely to reinforce the complications the client is already experiencing.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Clients come to therapy for various reasons but often it’s because they want to talk about a problem they are finding hard to get past. In all cases, the therapist needs to get to know their client, to listen to what they are saying and, when appropriate, reflect back or indeed challenge them. A therapist who is in tune with their client may pick up words and feelings of which the client is unaware. Reflecting it back to them is a way of checking that’s what they really mean and, if necessary, allowing them to reappraise their view, often through taking responsibility for their own actions. A therapist should not be used to reinforce a client's potentially distorted view of the world.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is so much more to the therapeutic working relationship between client and therapist that can bring deeply rewarding results. But it takes time and trust. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnM7I1BG1qrM-1-sG8SPPSEwLzKZRDClSYHdIUgw3QEp75FYBqYYYstbbcfLc_Dp0iNHVZWB37XfzsaWxub6nb709YVzV1b_tEGEWvPOhenWQA2GKEaU8tHUOFl-on2vIzSlWtcUaPa9ZTTmRqK19HzBjgFfkVlcbPrsUpVA6hlAe43nvr7N9OMFR9Q/s3000/king-s-church-international-3y1QMNZzcUU-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="3000" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdnM7I1BG1qrM-1-sG8SPPSEwLzKZRDClSYHdIUgw3QEp75FYBqYYYstbbcfLc_Dp0iNHVZWB37XfzsaWxub6nb709YVzV1b_tEGEWvPOhenWQA2GKEaU8tHUOFl-on2vIzSlWtcUaPa9ZTTmRqK19HzBjgFfkVlcbPrsUpVA6hlAe43nvr7N9OMFR9Q/s320/king-s-church-international-3y1QMNZzcUU-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Recollections may vary - wedding fever for Meghan and Harry</i><br /><br /></span></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s also a private matter and best kept that way. I get the sense that Harry’s using the telling of his story to shut down any criticism of himself and his wife. He’s put those people he insists he loves in positions where it will be hard for them to answer back without more aggression coming their way. Silence, if they can bear to keep quiet, will continue to be the best option.</p><div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">I can’t help feeling that Harry’s book and his casual use of therapeutic terms is not doing himself, or the therapeutic community as a whole, any favours. Less is more, although it’s probably too late for that now. </span></div>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What a pity he didn’t use his words more carefully. Words are what separate humans from the rest of the animal kingdom and they matter. They really do.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@brett_jordan?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Brett Jordan</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/POMpXtcVYHo?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@etiennegirardet?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Etienne Girardet</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/words?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kingschurchinternational?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">King's Church International</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/3y1QMNZzcUU?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i> </i></b></p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-90236666822136485702022-12-19T15:46:00.004+00:002023-01-03T13:29:46.187+00:00 Out With The Old, In With The New<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXJNwdhfLouWvWph1Sr-k90WJWXaagDV016vUaW-Q7xaHa-1B3I_0Jek-lyndNyQjYNut76pvCd79EjjZ18s7_-gLHKSe0X27Vc2Vpt19_RSe39lZ-gOfq_uUi58FKPbGKeR-hA51UUwiPNOB7CN5glKlrJojJVl8GOKb0HbHWr4I5J-TfUkVhtavYsw/s4000/debby-hudson-QdQEtkscDi8-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2649" data-original-width="4000" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXJNwdhfLouWvWph1Sr-k90WJWXaagDV016vUaW-Q7xaHa-1B3I_0Jek-lyndNyQjYNut76pvCd79EjjZ18s7_-gLHKSe0X27Vc2Vpt19_RSe39lZ-gOfq_uUi58FKPbGKeR-hA51UUwiPNOB7CN5glKlrJojJVl8GOKb0HbHWr4I5J-TfUkVhtavYsw/s320/debby-hudson-QdQEtkscDi8-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><p>This time of year seems to be about a last-minute dash for perfection as we hurtle towards the biggest party season of the year. I’m for ever amazed at how it always comes as such a surprise.</p></span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The date of Christmas, unlike Easter, is set in stone so I’m always curious as to why the mad rush as this particular Holy Day creeps up on us. How come we’re never ready? Is it that we’re so preoccupied with our day-to-day existence that we forget about it? No, I doubt that. After all, we plan other holidays in advance and look forward to our sunny trips abroad or change of scene at home. They usually get planned and booked before the big day.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So maybe we derive a certain pleasure in the drama of the rush. The amazement at the reoccurrence of the annual event, the sudden recognition that it’s upon us, the build-up and the expectation that it will be the same – or different – from what’s gone before. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I find it fascinating that we seem to experience the same set of emotions every year and I find it hard to fathom it out. Except perhaps what all this is doing is taking us back to childhood and giving us a taste of those blissful moments that many of us may remember. That magical moment we look back on with real affection. Oh, to be that all-hopeful child once again!</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Back in the present, what we can do for our children is to try and give them the best experience of this beautiful time of the year so they can bank their own memories for their future. That might be one of the best presents they can ever receive. It’s a gift to hold onto, and to treasure.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For adults, it’s a bit trickier. Time may have made us all a little more cynical. The treats we requested from Father Christmas may be lost in the post, or in translation. Or we may perceive that all that work we’ve done – all that planning, all that loving and giving we’d wanted so much to offer – is not received with the graciousness and appreciation that we’d hoped for. What then? Put like that, it’s easy to imagine a toddler tantrum coming on in adult form.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you’re feeling fraught and recognise any of these signs, may I offer a suggestion? How about allowing a little time for reflection?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Believers understand the importance of Christmas – the birth, the new hope, the farewell to what is past – and usually allow themselves a moment to consider what Christmas represents. But even if you celebrate the festivity for its own sake alone, this is a good time to stop and take stock. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuYf8OproXy4Ir5VNUYgUPqtsrACMWKjRvz2QlkI6V71LbPSVp3a_DTCy3ZcgW3UL-98PsO7-eXbe6u-IbP_fGPazZDkVle_e3Cvw2QgBi8OHXJbAv8RBWRp-ME-5XYwLvYPQQs7glBNdHO7gQZKWs3QuaFEHPiHOoX7TO1oUnkQ5ufJI4PC4kYds45g/s6000/erwan-hesry-e9jV1ZyrOmg-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="6000" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuYf8OproXy4Ir5VNUYgUPqtsrACMWKjRvz2QlkI6V71LbPSVp3a_DTCy3ZcgW3UL-98PsO7-eXbe6u-IbP_fGPazZDkVle_e3Cvw2QgBi8OHXJbAv8RBWRp-ME-5XYwLvYPQQs7glBNdHO7gQZKWs3QuaFEHPiHOoX7TO1oUnkQ5ufJI4PC4kYds45g/s320/erwan-hesry-e9jV1ZyrOmg-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">I wonder if we come over all “rushing”, so that we don’t have to allow ourselves time to reflect. What might reflecting mean to us? Satisfaction, contentment, happiness or, on the other side of the coin, disappointment? It’s hard to work it out if we don’t give it some thought.</p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If we feel resistant to the idea of reflecting, why might that be? And if that feels too much like being about to go down a rabbit hole, consider that too. Remember a Monty Python sketch where one of the team kept explaining: “My brain hurts.” It can do when it’s trying to avoid looking at a question or finding an answer. Easier to put it to one side and wait for a time when you’re less busy. After Christmas maybe.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My challenge to you is to go there. Enjoy the ride/slide and see where it takes you. Rabbit holes may seem dark and all-enveloping but they are also tunnels, with entrances and exits, if only you have the concentration and determination to find the right direction for you.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I wrote recently about the loss of a close relative and this is the first Christmas we’ll be without her. It’ll be very strange and disparate. Even though she was not herself for some time, she was still in this world. Now, we’re all having to find ways of managing that loss. It’s surreal, as those of you who have been through a bereavement will understand. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Ironically, not one of the siblings are spending Christmas with another. Two are minding (different) cats, one’s settled at home (with their cats) and the other, the chief mourner, remains undecided about what to do or where to go. It’s a little unsettling.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM02msdy7gdFpWoUqLS00vGHG6CXdVkqZphiuFrtNhqaA6ogfQfiECfCT4DV3FnX7w9q1QC_5OXgFnR3Z26NLbaIBsbt01u48YHwcaZJ58GmubaivSmizCyM-GD_1ZOxLNbFS_czx8sB-7tU9CaDdgbfgNx-yJFUVlKDjNM0MSwGDSgW9zmfc2u5XwcQ/s5410/fe-ngo-bvx3G7RkOts-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3607" data-original-width="5410" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgM02msdy7gdFpWoUqLS00vGHG6CXdVkqZphiuFrtNhqaA6ogfQfiECfCT4DV3FnX7w9q1QC_5OXgFnR3Z26NLbaIBsbt01u48YHwcaZJ58GmubaivSmizCyM-GD_1ZOxLNbFS_czx8sB-7tU9CaDdgbfgNx-yJFUVlKDjNM0MSwGDSgW9zmfc2u5XwcQ/s320/fe-ngo-bvx3G7RkOts-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On the plus side, a new baby was born this year into a family that already has a fascinating child. This new sibling has, from very small and slightly fragile beginnings, turned into a real chunky monkey with the most amazing charm and good nature, so different from others we might have known!</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m discovering I’ll need to use different skills sets to learn how to incorporate a life-adjusting loss (with the sadness and stoicism that entails) with the delight and joy of watching a new person develop. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My aim is to celebrate the birth of the new baby while acknowledging that the person who has gone was also instrumental in that baby’s arrival. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That baby – and all other babies – are the product of their parents with all the characteristics – light and shade – of their ancestors. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And that’s where the similarities end. Ahead of each one lies a journey that belongs to no other, in which each can make their own individual and first hesitant steps. For my part, I am there to celebrate this year's new birth and make sure that family knows I’ll do what I can to help, if I'm needed. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On reflection, this sounds a good way to remember the meaning of Christmas and to celebrate it in the way it truly should be. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-10514109569356902082022-11-21T10:05:00.008+00:002022-11-22T14:23:58.077+00:00Grief – The Price We Pay For Love*<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFubel3iS9F95eZW4Yd8ZHz4EX-GwMlj6UMSv9BphrWGtpwRvRbRdpM3XUMYgxRA5TTAvxk1vQHiq3lRI4ubBHcpGKn9JjYkQ8VJm7W_AAeSdgc_KIJ4C5HfAc3OFiBzYav438Sx_DPzNylbNXA-fZJGbDZRgVIGl8bBO4EXTSvn-YyCzkKC-9pQo6yw/s4864/ann-Eel1a_KRHNg-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="4864" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFubel3iS9F95eZW4Yd8ZHz4EX-GwMlj6UMSv9BphrWGtpwRvRbRdpM3XUMYgxRA5TTAvxk1vQHiq3lRI4ubBHcpGKn9JjYkQ8VJm7W_AAeSdgc_KIJ4C5HfAc3OFiBzYav438Sx_DPzNylbNXA-fZJGbDZRgVIGl8bBO4EXTSvn-YyCzkKC-9pQo6yw/s320/ann-Eel1a_KRHNg-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />I lost a close relative recently. She lived a long and fulfilled life, most of which was conducted very much on her terms. <p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Strangely, for someone who was determined to be at the centre of every glamorous and fun event, this 97-year-old lady left this world so easily and so soundlessly that those lovely carers in her room preparing her for bed didn’t even notice. They went to tuck her up and she was gone. What an ending and what a lucky way to go!</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I and three other members of the group had been preparing for this particular ending for a number of years. I had experienced other losses over the years - some of which saddened me and some of which left me with such a hole in my heart that I thought it would never mend - but this was a major one. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In a sense, I was also lucky because of my years of experience working as a bereavement counsellor. I had some idea of what to expect. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Most of us know by now of what are described the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, even that’s not quite what it seems. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The research, by <a href="https://www.ekrfoundation.org/"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Elisabeth Kübler-Ross</span></a>, was actually about people who were themselves dying, not people experiencing the death of a loved one. There is a difference. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1T2QlFcDrgYMZ2fjhOCxXeGyt2LjurS6Rd1i35t0nUoeE7-OwJMOcG2hg8PD8yisKRpZPgSuS6FqVM9hEAVsZDXjunNCX3ttrQlbMq5ESekWLjMJZ0Zg1p1aUNaNmYLEpqsu3dngGvhkC6LyDqFrPRJ2L5CfI59sW4F1ha9RvGoiQeHovTemE3Aurhw/s3032/nick-fewings-do0KG7sLttM-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2021" data-original-width="3032" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1T2QlFcDrgYMZ2fjhOCxXeGyt2LjurS6Rd1i35t0nUoeE7-OwJMOcG2hg8PD8yisKRpZPgSuS6FqVM9hEAVsZDXjunNCX3ttrQlbMq5ESekWLjMJZ0Zg1p1aUNaNmYLEpqsu3dngGvhkC6LyDqFrPRJ2L5CfI59sW4F1ha9RvGoiQeHovTemE3Aurhw/s320/nick-fewings-do0KG7sLttM-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The stages make more sense if you understand this is about the person at the centre of the story. The person who is dying. Bargaining in that case becomes clear. We’ve all done it in less important circumstances. But, if you are the person who has lost a loved one, no amount of bargaining can get that beloved back. The ending is final. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Understanding that – and remembering that the stages are not linear – it becomes easier to adapt these stages of grief to one’s own process. Denial – disbelief that the person is dead; Anger – it was so sudden, I had no idea, how could they do this to me; Depression – I can’t bear it, I’m lost, how will I manage without them? I can’t go on; Acceptance – they’ve gone, that’s it, now I have to go on with my life and nothing I can do or feel or plead for will bring them back.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">These are only a few thoughts and are mine alone. Your own grieving process is unique to you and you will have your own internal conversations. Again, bear in mind there is not a specific time frame for these conversations to take place, nor a formal way of grieving. We may one day accept our loved one has gone while the next day we wake up in a fury at what’s happened or a sense of disbelief that it has. And so it goes until at some point later down the line, we find the pain of mourning is shifting and lifting and, little by little, an ability to find joy in life returns.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We all grieve differently. And, of course, it depends on the age of the person we have lost. You can mourn a 97-year-old for the loss of them in your life but it’s not the same as when someone younger leaves this world. There is a sense then of what might have been and the deep sadness of the loss of a future. And when a child goes, well, that is unbearable. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It feels strange to observe how we all mourn differently. My own loss is different from the other three relatives who are also most affected. One – the favourite – is bereft. They cannot bear to hear someone tell them they were lucky to be the best beloved for 75 years. The bond was so close there was no room for anyone else. They never married or had their own children. They have others they could turn to but they don't want that. They want her back and for it to be just as it was.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The middle two are grieving in their own ways. The second mourner is just as they always were, elusive, impenetrable and avoidant. They may telephone and start talking, only to pause with an “anyway” before abruptly ending the conversation. The avoidant is always keen not to go there if there’s any emotional pain involved. I imagine they've been hurt in the past but I'll never know. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHHBFKqLg26Mi2o-bleVhgN4jKjLfNE52V3_91xGo-6wq3EhtGzf-fr06He7acbu1tLOyf-ad8SXQry0oKI5j8XLQERZSbWBbXCv1bxMrXFc2X5rjDxejqW7f6equsNI-auBhuWZzwsOBtpvvC5TTg_Upp96MRNlRZVFBDzHpNJJNfwtectLBUw1s9ew/s4726/k-mitch-hodge-IqSaG9zv2e0-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3545" data-original-width="4726" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHHBFKqLg26Mi2o-bleVhgN4jKjLfNE52V3_91xGo-6wq3EhtGzf-fr06He7acbu1tLOyf-ad8SXQry0oKI5j8XLQERZSbWBbXCv1bxMrXFc2X5rjDxejqW7f6equsNI-auBhuWZzwsOBtpvvC5TTg_Upp96MRNlRZVFBDzHpNJJNfwtectLBUw1s9ew/s320/k-mitch-hodge-IqSaG9zv2e0-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The third in this quartet is the peacemaker. The one who presents a “perfect” face to the outside world and observes the niceties with a decorum they believe is in keeping with how they believe the grieving process should be. They will be seen to do the right thing at all times, shed tears if and when required, put on a brave face when not. Either way, it is impossible to know what’s really going on inside. You will never be invited into the inner sanctum. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The final piece of the jigsaw – the scapegoat – had a difficult relationship with the person who’s gone and feels awkward and unsure about how they’re supposed to respond. They always felt an outsider and the person on whom the other chief mourners project their own rages and furies – the innermost prejudices they can’t face admitting to themselves. In shorthand terms, it’s called “owning”. They don't.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The scapegoat is so overwhelmed with the feelings of others that they find it hard to work out what they themselves are feeling. They feel a bit of a fraud because they imagine it would look strange if they started screaming and crying about their loss because of the difficult relationship at the heart of it. Even so, they are part of it and they feel they deserve to be included. It looks unlikely. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I explained this was personal right at the start, but I’m sharing it in the hope that you – and I – will understand there is no right or wrong way of mourning. It is a process unique to us. We have to find a way to go through it in the best way we can. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On a personal level, I am at the start of my journey and still a little bemused. I'm not quite how it works. But, as a professional, I know that I will come through it, and I can take whatever memory I choose to keep with me and to hold dear. I just have to remember to give it time.</p><div><br /></div></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@ann10?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Ann</span></a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/grief?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Unsplash</span></a></span></b></i></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jannerboy62?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Nick Fewings</span></a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/grief?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Unsplash</span></a><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></b></i></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kmitchhodge?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">K. Mitch Hodge</span></a> on </span></b></i><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/grief?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Unsplash</span></a></span></b></i></p><div><br /></div>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">* </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">The original quote comes from psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes in his 1972 book <i>Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life</i>: </span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">“The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment.”</span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">This is usually quoted as: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”</span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i> </i></p><p> </p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-26732085887294001162022-10-18T12:24:00.000+01:002022-10-18T12:24:39.909+01:00Flirting with Anarchy<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_ZJd8UiXnmQXfCgyWrXKalYOpWHOgTQkc-_wDatO1UJkxqTbVOkTVmxX8taqrriO0SgTAvRXlmTNa1FRnwMp8m_GN25UGXqwHIEnqsrVGqpxV3cW3D_O2MP4-AIHlhJSY1IRJMO35HUKfWAabtdNIgGN90wTUXKr48qowob6ZhFiBtHmckTY0ohZ4UA/s6240/kevin-grieve-65b34UY6q08-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4160" data-original-width="6240" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_ZJd8UiXnmQXfCgyWrXKalYOpWHOgTQkc-_wDatO1UJkxqTbVOkTVmxX8taqrriO0SgTAvRXlmTNa1FRnwMp8m_GN25UGXqwHIEnqsrVGqpxV3cW3D_O2MP4-AIHlhJSY1IRJMO35HUKfWAabtdNIgGN90wTUXKr48qowob6ZhFiBtHmckTY0ohZ4UA/s320/kevin-grieve-65b34UY6q08-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In my earlier days, I was tempted by the idea of anarchy. It had an edge to it; a romantic and revolutionary sound to it that separated me from the crowd of aspirational young capitalists. It was a rebellious alternative that any sensible young adult should be consider. </span></p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In those days, I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. I’d read Joseph Conrad’s The Secret Agent and found it a combination of mysterious and mundane but, still, the slightly bitter aftertaste left a lingering desire for a world where anarchy might reign supreme. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Anarchy, according to the dictionary, is: “A state of disorder due to absence or non-recognition of authority or other controlling systems.” A more positive definition reads: “Absence of government and absolute freedom of the individual, regarded as a political ideal.”</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What if? I wondered every few years as my pencil hovered over a name on a voting ballot. How would it be if we were all grown up enough to govern ourselves and didn’t need to choose a large number of people to take decisions on our behalf. Or, some cases, to even ignore the electorate’s wishes once they were in power. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are some people who might want to be told what to do and feel uncertain about having to make their own individual choices but we could accommodate them too – those of us bold and brave enough to take decisions could bear them in mind and act for them. It seemed a logical and reasonable proposition.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then, dear reader, my fuzzy-at-the-edges fantasy almost came true.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">First, there was the chaos of Brexit. And it was chaos, regardless of how anyone voted. Those who voted to leave were unhappy, those who voted to remain were equally miserable. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">How the individual voted is no longer the real issue. I think all of us imagined that by this stage there would be some kind of reasonably speedy resolution to the problem, even a separation as complicated as this one. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Six years on, not really. And now we read we can keep expecting delays even up to next year if we try to go overseas. Our biometric passports apparently are not up to scratch. We are in a continuous state of flux, with little sign of an improvement.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGaZhUXObabXYWVWktcs3vlYCmIqH9lyXMNmrmpfXWZudom98tX-wpVXkAPt4er0LIV7fjkQO12Fs-UlJkNKL3YY8DRs7Gb1zabW90hcoTy-51DWxpnxKMgdOC1mSGkfu_HUUm8FpOIH3NHhMQZuWmZFee83z9vCvanAZa48hAcu7GsSgBJFUluXxGMQ/s3821/john-cameron-4IQLGoTwzNo-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2866" data-original-width="3821" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGaZhUXObabXYWVWktcs3vlYCmIqH9lyXMNmrmpfXWZudom98tX-wpVXkAPt4er0LIV7fjkQO12Fs-UlJkNKL3YY8DRs7Gb1zabW90hcoTy-51DWxpnxKMgdOC1mSGkfu_HUUm8FpOIH3NHhMQZuWmZFee83z9vCvanAZa48hAcu7GsSgBJFUluXxGMQ/s320/john-cameron-4IQLGoTwzNo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then, hot on the heels of the Brexit conundrum came Covid. It supposedly started in a Chinese wet market in Wuhan but now we wonder about cross-breeding bugs escaping from a laboratory. Whatever. It still took away some two years of our lives. More than a year since we supposedly opened up again, we are still feeling the shock-wave effects from that period. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Some people are on permanent lockdown alert, others want to go out but remain frightened while the needs of the vulnerable – children and older people – which went unconsidered for so long are still up in the air. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then there are the people in the middle. The young healthy and middle aged who did not seem to be too much at risk from the virus – as awful as it was – but whose lives also were changed by covid. The effects of lockdown will go on for years.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One of the major consequences was those who were furloughed had a chance to reflect and to consider what they wanted from their lives. It seems that many were not as happy as they had thought previously. A Monday to Friday 40-hour a week was no longer as desirable as they once imagined. A result a government could never have imagined.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m listening to the news as we speak. I hear the NHS is on its knees because there are insufficient staff so operations are delayed and millions of people are on a waiting list.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then I hear that some 600 officers from the Metropolitan Police are being investigated over domestic violence. It’s set up its own unit to look into the investigations. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then we come to today’s current government. What’s happening there? I won’t name them in case it’s all changed within the next week or two (it already has) but it seems as though we have a disparate group of MPs, senior and junior, who have forgotten politics is all about the people and what the MPs can do for them, rather than the other way round.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There seems to be no direction from anyone and no sense of purpose and it appears to have been like that since Covid. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Philosopher Thomas Hobbes, via <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leviathan_(Hobbes_book)" target="_blank">Leviathan</a>, offered his interpretation of a social contract. A very simplistic summing up suggests that, in exchange for giving absolute authority to the monarch, he/she will protect you and your life. If the monarch fails in that duty, the social contract is broken.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXSk3dVGR-lo2kTMCz08zaN2dSsGo-PgFbClZ3ZLVHPgiNPR8XVH7PcVEipl5cDQUUwemJ24h-Ujtm7dB3CKGd2kcfD3Sm_kNOra53WaebjPVjGqRQ_PvsRmIkOkP-elE2Eb89nYfrT-zYm4fA3XxWet_iKE3xLWAf3fxGTlAB2OolZ1hb4i4DOYRgKw/s5472/etienne-girardet-ZBqdHL7Yycc-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="5472" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXSk3dVGR-lo2kTMCz08zaN2dSsGo-PgFbClZ3ZLVHPgiNPR8XVH7PcVEipl5cDQUUwemJ24h-Ujtm7dB3CKGd2kcfD3Sm_kNOra53WaebjPVjGqRQ_PvsRmIkOkP-elE2Eb89nYfrT-zYm4fA3XxWet_iKE3xLWAf3fxGTlAB2OolZ1hb4i4DOYRgKw/s320/etienne-girardet-ZBqdHL7Yycc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><span style="font-family: inherit;">Bearing in mind Hobbes lived during the terrors of the English Civil War, it is easy to see why such a contract would be so appealing. Absolute certainty in times of absolute chaos is a very appealing prospect. It is, of course, the antithesis of anarchy, that ideology I have found so enticing over the years. </span><div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"> </span>
<p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Apparently, our views tend to change over the years, becoming more conservative (with a small c) as we hopefully grow wiser with experience and life is less black and white than it seems in our youth. </span></p>
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<p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The anarchy idea perhaps stayed with me for some time longer than it should but now I feel as if I’ve been offered the chance to see what an anarchy-lite version might look like. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I don’t like it. I feel as though I’m staring into an abyss with one foot creeping ever nearer to the edge. I want to feel firm ground beneath both my feet; I want to feel there is someone, somewhere in charge who has some real ability to pull me back from this frightening and continuing uncertainty. </span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If there’s anyone out there who can come forward and deliver me from my head filled with fears, I’d be very grateful. Anarchy, it seems, is not for me.</span></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><div><br /></div></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-15861993674179008172022-09-25T11:20:00.001+01:002022-09-26T10:43:18.202+01:00Monarch of the Glen<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOvSKWy_qY6s_qugysKHeSl0JpAKy5idB8c_zsnldNRk0PFrD1PLoMdE_R95ktrpAvfHLXq9BHWWMEAY4B99_xrys2u4fsgEDS1llpAKiF5VmmSTjLvhrY5UDHMSTfpg0s1MkQOobw07-B59_a00T5IYB2CfdEPSu00RUTzCM2u9019xR8dJSKGb_c-Q/s4535/jack-lucas-smith-3ZhmaE2LWyw-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3351" data-original-width="4535" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOvSKWy_qY6s_qugysKHeSl0JpAKy5idB8c_zsnldNRk0PFrD1PLoMdE_R95ktrpAvfHLXq9BHWWMEAY4B99_xrys2u4fsgEDS1llpAKiF5VmmSTjLvhrY5UDHMSTfpg0s1MkQOobw07-B59_a00T5IYB2CfdEPSu00RUTzCM2u9019xR8dJSKGb_c-Q/s320/jack-lucas-smith-3ZhmaE2LWyw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div><br />Imagine being given a job for life from birth. It’s a starring role, one with a lot of deference involved, no money worries, a number of different residences and someone on hand always ready to do your bidding. You need never be alone, you need never be frightened of the usual concerns we mere mortals have. You will not need to worry about leaving this life unloved or indebted. You will be cared for until the end.<p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The only proviso is that there are some rules you’ll need to abide by. They will not be too onerous and you’ll be brought up knowing what they are from an early age (being rebellious will only cause you distress). There’s an interesting dress code at certain times of the year and you’ll need to get used to be observed when you’re out and about. You can’t be seen to be rude, at least not in public. And you’ll spend quite a time being seen in public and by the public. How would you feel about that?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It might be quite a relief. There’d be no need to worry about learning, exams, qualifications and, possibly worst of all, decisions about a future career. It’s all planned for you.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If one looks at from a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs</span></a> perspective, then it’s looking positive. If you go from the bottom up, you’re not having to worry about your needs being met when it comes to staying alive, keeping warm, sheltered and clothed. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Moving up the hierarchy, you’ll be protected and kept safe. You’ll have a great number of people wanting to love you and be loved by you which means you should have a strong sense of connection with the world and your place in it. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">From that, if you’re a well-balanced soul and not too tiresome to those around you, your self-esteem should be strong. You’ll have status, you’ll be respected and you’ll have a reasonable amount of freedom – more than most people have during their working lives. It may seem sometimes as though you have no privacy but, if you’re sensible about it and stick to the rules, you’ll be allowed to go your own way more often than you might imagine. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Continuing with the Maslow theme, having all these needs met early on, it means you are left with a real chance in life to reach the peak – described as self-actualisation. You will have time enough to study, ponder, absorb and act (keeping in mind the rules set out initially) – meaning you can work on being the best person you can possibly be. And if you haven’t considered self-exploration, may I remind you of the wisdom of Socrates who said: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyO3XbzdNKbji2vb36IRgJe5bzSqdp6_5zOFP2auI1nFFbQfWZO4nbvVLRC-j-z--TmiBz-dQ1fG0cbnrN2xscMRmNItd8EC652O7wuGM_JifGLrvO6ITWNbqfs_8rnNhA32QEhAjN_eDIgS0c3Gyc4ANR-Z7FrzGnxqkkdQg1Xs6EMjiFUFh7ozxjLQ/s3000/queen_90_0.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="2150" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyO3XbzdNKbji2vb36IRgJe5bzSqdp6_5zOFP2auI1nFFbQfWZO4nbvVLRC-j-z--TmiBz-dQ1fG0cbnrN2xscMRmNItd8EC652O7wuGM_JifGLrvO6ITWNbqfs_8rnNhA32QEhAjN_eDIgS0c3Gyc4ANR-Z7FrzGnxqkkdQg1Xs6EMjiFUFh7ozxjLQ/w229-h264/queen_90_0.jpeg" width="229" /></a> </p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, how would you feel about becoming monarch, not just of the glen but of all the surrounding areas? If you do it well, it looks effortless and, like the Queen, you’ll not get much thanks for it until after your departure. But at least you will gain satisfaction from knowing you’ve done your best. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Even though you do have responsibilities, you will never ever have the final say in what happens. It may seem so but you really won’t have to stay up all night worrying and wondering about any decision you may seem to have made. You will have the best and most experienced advisers possible. They will be there for you. All you need to do is trust them to give you the best advice and then sign where they tell you to. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Ah, signing. That should not present a difficulty but it might, as we’ve only recently witnessed. May I suggest you have your own pen in hand when it comes to the important role of offering a signature. We’ve watched live the fallout of getting a signing wrong. Prince – sorry, King – Charles first seemed to be stymied by a stray inkwell, then we had the incident when it didn’t seem to work and then, finally, we had the time when the ink splodged and he signed the wrong date. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We spotted a little bit of temper there and I felt slightly unsettled. I doubt the Queen would have been so jittery. Thinking kindly, the King had just lost his mum and it looked for a moment as though the establishment was looking to wear him out within days if given the chance. It seemed important to forgive and, fortunately, it all worked out in the end. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That was lucky as the signature is key to all this. It confirms your status, your role, your authority and the reason why all of us accept who you are. You have to get it right. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sadly, as we know, this is only make believe and the job is not up for grabs, no matter how appealing it sounds. It is Charles by birthright. For the present, he has our goodwill on his side. And, while we know his reign cannot be anything like as long as his mother’s, we can still wish him a continuing long life and hope he enjoys and appreciates the benefits of all that he has. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For his part, I hope Charles really appreciates the role he now has. It seems like a peach of a job. I also hope he can still enjoy those causes that he cared so much about when he was Prince of Wales, and get a sense of achievement at watching them blossom from the seeds he first sowed.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I also hope Charles as our monarch will be as gracious to us as his mother was so that we, in turn, can be equally gracious and loving towards him. </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: PA/Danny Lawson </span></b></i></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@justjackphoto?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jack Lucas Smith</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/the-queen?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></b></i></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-73583751963848952352022-08-22T17:32:00.004+01:002022-08-22T17:32:38.449+01:00The Power of Introspection<p> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7jZVD1Wq9B6m7tEZxbEa_AOLPoKvGKpMd3Pyc5TGAcNSLGVBGSupuBX-PHB7tYoioLypyRQbNIekiU2lQNUDgXX0I0EfLJiOyQtdiViRzyEXSwOXUiqQ97PI-9gpCTZMRfEggoEXMFxfPysEp6xthG3I3HESJmzMiaW-4pOLzENPg3ofMG3kOm6MbRw/s3275/faye-cornish-Uq3gTiPlqRo-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2620" data-original-width="3275" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7jZVD1Wq9B6m7tEZxbEa_AOLPoKvGKpMd3Pyc5TGAcNSLGVBGSupuBX-PHB7tYoioLypyRQbNIekiU2lQNUDgXX0I0EfLJiOyQtdiViRzyEXSwOXUiqQ97PI-9gpCTZMRfEggoEXMFxfPysEp6xthG3I3HESJmzMiaW-4pOLzENPg3ofMG3kOm6MbRw/s320/faye-cornish-Uq3gTiPlqRo-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Older adults who look inwards and reflect on life may be protecting themselves against dementia, according to a <a href="https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/self-reflection-linked-improved-late-life-cognition-and-brain-health" style="color: #954f72;">recent survey</a>.</span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At present, the UK has some 850,000 with dementia, most of them in the older age bracket and it’s predicted the number could be up to 1.6m by 2040. The likelihood of developing dementia roughly doubles every five years after the age of 65.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s not clear what causes Alzheimer's – the most common form of dementia – but it is thought to be caused by the abnormal build-up of proteins in and around brain cells.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The NHS website explains thus: “One of the proteins involved is called amyloid, deposits of which form plaques around brain cells. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The other protein is called tau, deposits of which form tangles within brain cells.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Although it's not known exactly what causes this process to begin, scientists now know that it begins many years before symptoms appear.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“As brain cells become affected, there's also a decrease in chemical messengers (called neurotransmitters) involved in sending messages, or signals, between brain cells.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“ ... Over time, different areas of the brain shrink. The first areas usually affected are responsible for memories.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoHP54Gj9CfWb0uPWpNt9El3mVxx6J83INPlLb8K3_hRvogVlzg5b1jx9vkVfUAmBBpaNQnp2jWOn0RUk37coh6qaEaOi7h54YUjkWRGI9jtDTtJIsjUsNudWfx_CG0ei82XGItfhVuriwZzvuCMpVx3iU-dNVogCZPFEag_vH3to4PBkir_LkFUimw/s4096/milad-fakurian-58Z17lnVS4U-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3112" data-original-width="4096" height="243" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYoHP54Gj9CfWb0uPWpNt9El3mVxx6J83INPlLb8K3_hRvogVlzg5b1jx9vkVfUAmBBpaNQnp2jWOn0RUk37coh6qaEaOi7h54YUjkWRGI9jtDTtJIsjUsNudWfx_CG0ei82XGItfhVuriwZzvuCMpVx3iU-dNVogCZPFEag_vH3to4PBkir_LkFUimw/s320/milad-fakurian-58Z17lnVS4U-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“In more unusual forms of Alzheimer's disease, different areas of the brain are affected.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“The first symptoms may be problems with vision or language rather than memory.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, if we don’t know what causes it (although we know what happens when we have it) we may have a lurking fear of developing it in the future. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That makes it an alarming prospect and anything that may help prevent us from getting it is to be welcomed. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I read advice such as not smoking, not drinking too much and eating a healthy, balanced diet. I also learn I have to exercise for more than two hours a week at a minimum and, even then, there’s no guarantee that I’ll be spared.<b><o:p></o:p></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But this survey on self reflection and meditation seems to offer some positive and hopeful signs to allow us to work on keeping the mental part of our selves in the best possible condition, not just our physical selves. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The idea that just 10 minutes a day of self-reflection (that’s sophisticated speak for thinking about yourself, decisions you’ve taken, the outcomes and how they’ve affected you) is good for your brain is wonderful.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Those of us who work in the world of psychotherapy are pleased there’s an acknowledgement that reflection is good for the soul. This is what is behind a talking therapy – a 50-minutes session to look at your self and take stock of where you came from, where you are and where you’d like to be.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That’s in an ideal world of course. It’s always easier to spot what’s the problem with other people and less easy to find a way of dealing with your own. That’s where the personal therapy time comes in. If you’re working with a trained, interested – but dispassionate – psychotherapist or counsellor, you can come together to look at and consider how you really work. What makes you tick, in other words.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The belief is – and there’s evidence to prove it – that if a person wants to make a change in their life they will need to look at past behaviour and examine why it might be they are taking a path that is causing them so much distress. By committing to the therapeutic process and by wondering aloud and considering what compelled them to make some judgments, they stand a good chance of altering their habits to improve how they feel. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Self reflection, therefore, if done in the “right” way is a good way of changing the feeling process and turning away from negative thinking. For example, if you’re a person who looks back with anger, sadness or some other form of distress – or who maybe doesn’t look back at all for just those reasons – how about allowing yourself to look back without judgment? <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">True self reflection is observation, recognising the emotion that comes with it and accepting that’s how it was. No need to be cross or sad now, it’s pointless. But what you can do is learn more about yourself by looking at it from a distance and considering how it affects you now and if it’s made a difference. It will have done, but it might also have offered you opportunities of which you were glad. Self reflection is a chance to change how you feel about a past event or events and, when necessary, put them to bed. It’s a chance to give up the role of being your harshest critic. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgYSadMI7RUrZSS7oqODyWVh_hDi9JnAxCGOtOefToLygm9KtDsmQbcrkN8C4t9uuXv0GYsINqv2p-5lP22bN8QY4yCGSyRFR86n9F5KCEMKSM-RwycWfPAtnKO0p3sYooIysmsNCEKgT04y5gd21yyo7qZx6RLseXjQUNO_O7zC4TEafaOFMp_4Ty1Q/s5434/javier-allegue-barros-C7B-ExXpOIE-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3623" data-original-width="5434" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgYSadMI7RUrZSS7oqODyWVh_hDi9JnAxCGOtOefToLygm9KtDsmQbcrkN8C4t9uuXv0GYsINqv2p-5lP22bN8QY4yCGSyRFR86n9F5KCEMKSM-RwycWfPAtnKO0p3sYooIysmsNCEKgT04y5gd21yyo7qZx6RLseXjQUNO_O7zC4TEafaOFMp_4Ty1Q/s320/javier-allegue-barros-C7B-ExXpOIE-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How about looking back and simply reflecting? Remember the situation and look at it as an observer rather than in a punishingly judgmental way that makes you clench your fists, tighten your muscles and feel your jaw ache as you relive the distress. That is of no help. Negative thinking can worsen depression. Positive thinking is good for our us and we need to work on our optimism. Ditch the stress.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Socrates, the wisest of all philosophers who chose to give up his own life rather than back down on his principles, declared an unexamined life is not worth living. He believed we owed it to ourselves to examine within. Seems he was right all along. It's not self-indulgence, it's good for you. Have a try! <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@fcornish?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Faye Cornish</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/reflection?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@fakurian?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Milad Fakurian</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/thinking?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 3: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@soymeraki?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Javier Allegue Barros</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/thinking?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p><div><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-67059899832603741242022-07-04T13:38:00.002+01:002022-07-04T13:38:19.607+01:00When Boring is Better <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvtw1q5zTtu6mm4tWzUfjHSqZTuh1PR3iOfubrnwU9eKQOftQddGx2u5fLbxIxMoVJTB5zD5vX9dZKeX8HCrBO1-3-bsdx4fsxe6kVxlJUTSJvbaM5HCi1ZUVh2mdZx_-Nrw3IqEaPiQL0868yMBQjiKZximL7yZ9a0lQFqg0y7JqdW6R25eaJiFZzw/s5184/jurgen-venakowa-8Qs9bEhZRvw-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivvtw1q5zTtu6mm4tWzUfjHSqZTuh1PR3iOfubrnwU9eKQOftQddGx2u5fLbxIxMoVJTB5zD5vX9dZKeX8HCrBO1-3-bsdx4fsxe6kVxlJUTSJvbaM5HCi1ZUVh2mdZx_-Nrw3IqEaPiQL0868yMBQjiKZximL7yZ9a0lQFqg0y7JqdW6R25eaJiFZzw/s320/jurgen-venakowa-8Qs9bEhZRvw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p>Some of us are addicted to drama. We have TV show to prove it … murder, mystery and suspense. And if you, like me, occasionally protest that something that wouldn’t happen in real life, we’re shushed and told: “It’s a drama, suspend disbelief.” </span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">If we do, we may enjoy seeing the story unfold. We may watch as we see ordinary people getting caught up in extraordinary events that, for a time, seem both unresolvable and unmanageable. But then, within a few short hours, all is once more well with the world. The characters can go back to their normal lives and we, the audience, breathe a sigh of relief and prepare for our next piece of escapism.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">But what happens when life begins to imitate art? What happens when real life is only about veering from one drama to another? How do we feel about it then?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">There are some people - and families - who live a life full of drama and seek out dramatic events when there is too much "ordinary" happening. They lurch from one crisis to another and seem to feel charged up when they are experiencing the highs of their life of drama. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">The problem is that drama may be a part of life but it can't be all of life. Most of us humans function best when we are working in a calm environment, when we are able to use all our senses to work on a problem and find a solution. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Imagine taking a trip on a boat and try to feel the enjoyment you experience from the tranquility of the ride. Imagine a calm, turquoise sea, a picturesque backdrop of sandy, uncrowded beaches and the warmth of the sun as the boat glides across the water. Feels good, doesn't it? </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Then imagine how you'd feel if that same boat was going into a squall. The coastline blurs, clouds darken and the water turns choppier and choppier. How are you feeling now? I'm sensing a certain tension.</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3pYolzr-7csTcNbiGyfmMQwppgQm-keCaIW1VJgNWftT-T5ohvSQmnprfNvWGGd9cQq-nABhZdVSe-mp6bdN4Lx8QT4nhNaPVr6gMFLiBfYQZDns3a082O88wJRbHJFwbYxp4cXOxQJM4DILG3SF_vTK_klY7V7I6zA9a_c7oCS2R-OMveICMLzc44A/s6720/matt-paul-catalano-F5_zrLNcY4A-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4480" data-original-width="6720" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3pYolzr-7csTcNbiGyfmMQwppgQm-keCaIW1VJgNWftT-T5ohvSQmnprfNvWGGd9cQq-nABhZdVSe-mp6bdN4Lx8QT4nhNaPVr6gMFLiBfYQZDns3a082O88wJRbHJFwbYxp4cXOxQJM4DILG3SF_vTK_klY7V7I6zA9a_c7oCS2R-OMveICMLzc44A/s320/matt-paul-catalano-F5_zrLNcY4A-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><p><br /></p><p>What matters particularly in this scenario is who is the captain of your ship. If s/he is experienced, calm and confident, you may feel safe in the knowledge that they can steer you out of trouble. But, if they are they looking to you to help them out because, while they may have their captain's licence, they've never been in this situation before, you may be right to feel worried.</p></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">And this is where we are at present. My imaginary ship is rudderless, captain-less and I have no idea what's on the horizon. To be honest, I can't even see one. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">The daily headlines seem to offer little hope and more and more confusion with our own ships' captains - from all parties - as confused about their direction of travel as the rest of us. If they could give us a clue it might help but I can't see it happening any time soon. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">I read recently that we humans click more on "dark" headlines than we do on cheerful news. As a result, the mainstream press seem to be going the way of social media by emphasising the gloom. We read it, digest it, and our spirits lower. And so it goes on. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">The irony is that, despite all this alleged misery, life has improved hugely for most of us over the past 50 years. T</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">he material lives of most people are far better than even our grandparents' time and the quality of our living remains much better than it was. So our reality is not in any way the same as our fantasy.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">But that is not what we pick up from the news, with its daily dose of misery through which we must all scrawl. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">So what to do? Cold turkey is hard. Smart phones and social media is intended to become addictive and the programmers are good. We can't help going back, and back, and back - even if it's just to check the headlines or if someone's responded to our tweet or thrilling post elsewhere. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">We do need to break off our addiction if we're to start feeling better. Perhaps start with a phased and thoughtful withdrawal. Perhaps allow yourself a a morning and evening perusal, rather than a constant glance and update. It's doing us no good.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Drama on a continuous basis is exhausting. It wears us out and it keeps our minds in their original reptilian state when logic and reasoning were not important and all that mattered was being on constant alert for what danger might be about to befall us. It means our mental anxieties play out in our bodies making it impossible to relax and process what's actually going on. To work well - and to keep well - we need our minds to be in harmony with our bodies. We need to be able to sit back, relax and decide individually what matters. </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">To return to the sailing metaphor, put so well in the Invictus poem: "</span><a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51642/invictus" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;" target="_blank">I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.</a><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">" Don't forget it. You're in charge. And, in the present chaos in which we seem to live, it's good to appreciate that boredom can sometimes be good for you.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><br /></span></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b>Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jpg_juergen?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Jürgen Venakowa</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/sailing-yacht?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></b></span></i></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@mattpaul?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Matt Paul Catalano</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/stormy-sea?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></b></i></span></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; display: inline; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><o:p></o:p></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-46139745038724965252022-06-07T10:45:00.007+01:002022-06-07T11:09:11.552+01:00The Power of Projection<p> </p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxe2wgLdYtdqpx5DA_QA2yU0E-sjR4xZsJaJHToDWSn4_Wu62e7D1Smm1L86DzC_jlif-BMMl5CFHE6n3OuRd2qZUq62zNK2YVxxZT0aYDJxIrfeH0Soo1frLFdq970eCy5-tffYyphDuiu5WRs2uGVqRf2afy0mJHhP7yCO9eoqxJQ8QkST-D5GKE4Q/s1623/The%20Queen.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1623" data-original-width="1480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxe2wgLdYtdqpx5DA_QA2yU0E-sjR4xZsJaJHToDWSn4_Wu62e7D1Smm1L86DzC_jlif-BMMl5CFHE6n3OuRd2qZUq62zNK2YVxxZT0aYDJxIrfeH0Soo1frLFdq970eCy5-tffYyphDuiu5WRs2uGVqRf2afy0mJHhP7yCO9eoqxJQ8QkST-D5GKE4Q/s320/The%20Queen.jpeg" width="292" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This is the Queen’s year, as far as I’m concerned, even if the Platinum Jubilee celebrations are done and dusted.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Twelve months of keeping Her Majesty in mind seems a small thing to do when you’re talking about a 70-year reign dedicated to her country.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The festivities have clearly given us time to reflect on her role and her position in our lives, regardless of whether or not we’re monarchists. It’s been extraordinary to watch the people of the UK – and the world - come out to take part in a four-day event to celebrate the life of a 96-year-old head of state. How amazing is that! And what wouldn’t other national leaders give to have such support? </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The Queen seems to have perfected the art of being what a queen should be. She started off as the beautiful young princess of fairy tales who married her handsome prince, had two beautiful young children and was set for a life as a happy naval wife living in sunny splendour in Malta.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Tragically, that all ended too soon with the early death of her father. The young monarch was enthroned and, unlike in other fairy tales – I’m thinking Frozen here – she accepted her role with good grace and seems to have done it unflinchingly ever since. Seventy years in one role. It’s an impressive achievement.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Perhaps the Queen’s cleverest achievement is remaining almost silent. We hear her speeches at public events but, until recently, we were unlikely to hear her talking unscripted. The microphones were turned off when she appeared, by royal command. Now, we hear a little more as times change and her Bond and Paddington appearances reveal her sense of humour, but this is new. Mostly, we have seen much but heard little. And that must be the way she likes it.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It is remarkable to reflect how so many of us imagine we know the Queen when, in reality, she is really known to very few. Rather like Diana, Princess of Wales, we have seen so much of her that we imagine we understand how she is feeling. In Diana’s case, we adored her when she joined the royal family, rejoiced with the children’s births and were saddened when the marriage failed. It was like a failure in our own lives and we empathised, imagining how she must be feeling. When she died, we were distraught; it felt as if it were a loss of a beloved family member. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That was never the reality. Diana appeared to have magical powers (fairy princess tales again) in connecting with the ordinary person but she never was. She was born the daughter daughter of an earl and her life’s trajectory was far different from what most of ours was ever likely to be.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And so it is with our Queen. We sometimes see her in person but mainly we watch her on television and we imagine what’s going on in her inner world. When she smiles with her face lighting up in a way that reveals the girl she once was, we imagine we know what’s pleasing her. When she’s looking glum (she has a naturally solemn face in repose which does look quite stern), we imagine she’s upset and worry about what might be making her so. We might be right, we might be wrong but that’s not what’s important. What matters is that we have taken her to our hearts and we feel for her, even though we have no real knowledge of the person inside.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Actress Helen Mirren, in a recent interview, revealed she had been very concerned when she was first offered the part of the Queen because she knew so little about her subject. Strangely, she found it didn’t matter in the end because of the way people behaved around her. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She told how she remained who she was but those around her started to treat her as the monarch, with the decorum and respect such a role deserved. As a result, Helen found herself evolving into Elizabeth, our Queen. She didn’t need to work on her acting skills, she just needed to be. The rest followed.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I believe that might be our monarch’s greatest achievement and one any future monarch would do well to follow. We don’t really need to know much about them, we just want to imagine we do. That way, we can become emersed into their world as we imagine we can draw them into ours. They become part of our extended family. We feel their pain when one child misbehaves or disappoints; we are overjoyed when we experience the delight in their achievements and all the time we can appreciate what we have, even while becoming aware that it may be drawing to a close. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The Queen and her family represents a sense of stability that many of us long for, especially when it goes missing within our own lives. We are convinced she – and they – are there for us in times of trouble when some of us long to feel safe.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It doesn’t matter whether it is true, it matters that many of us believe it to be true and that brings us comfort. We are herd animals and we prefer to live within a group. Our Queen is the head of our herd and we party and celebrate as we acknowledge the role she plays on our behalf.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Her silence reveals nothing but allows us to believe we know all. And that is the secret of her success and what the power of projection is all about. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-87217051188496523772022-05-11T10:07:00.010+01:002022-05-11T18:15:50.931+01:00A Cautionary Tale<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxhV0DQeknwPDIa6_W8kD5ljVjuYB6EnTdXSK361lN3sKKqPC-s8mUTkxbcVR4HCoUyzXsM59D5YkXLPhXW0uHEkuviTbe6bgVbgVSpRiSpgNCklfncvOzqMk6PLREdNkFc3D0IjTS8rcy6wT_0hYUXdTYv4vKSGojwLGtwFArRHHd5-LWWyhrs31nwQ/s9086/will-creswick-YH1KID3mTpY-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5912" data-original-width="9086" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxhV0DQeknwPDIa6_W8kD5ljVjuYB6EnTdXSK361lN3sKKqPC-s8mUTkxbcVR4HCoUyzXsM59D5YkXLPhXW0uHEkuviTbe6bgVbgVSpRiSpgNCklfncvOzqMk6PLREdNkFc3D0IjTS8rcy6wT_0hYUXdTYv4vKSGojwLGtwFArRHHd5-LWWyhrs31nwQ/s320/will-creswick-YH1KID3mTpY-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 2px;"><b> </b></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was recently told about an incident in which a woman and a young child were assaulted while in the car.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The assault was on the car, rather than the persons, but I’m told it can be classified as a criminal assault.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ll give a brief description: The driver was driving down a one-way street in a London residential area and stopped to tell the driver of another car travelling the wrong way down the street of his mistake. It was just after 12 noon. So far, so uncontroversial.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Now’s the worrying bit. To the original driver’s surprise and shock, a passenger jumped out of the car in the wrong, started screaming obscene insults and verbal abuse and telling the female driver to “F*** off” out of the way. He was also holding what looked like a giant electric screwdriver and was gesticulating with it as if he were about to use it - perhaps thrusting it through the partially open window.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At this point, the female driver froze. That was the amygdala part of her brain doing what it’s supposed to do - reacting purely emotionally to an unknown threat. This is a natural response to those who are aware of the “flight, fright or freeze” response we all of us will have when confronted with something threatening. What’s really of interest is how each of us do respond in reality. We may think we know what we’ll do. We rarely do. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That’s why people in conflict zones are trained in how to cope with a particular situation. The idea is that, if they are forced to confront the situation enough, it will become second nature. Their amygdala/reptilian response will thus be partly controlled by the hippocampus (which deals with memory of past events) part of the brain to allow their instant reaction to be bypassed.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV-0YLCUeNteM8mzewlAJFNMXi0N7yRrMY0YYEr_lkT8ApSA_kqCPRz3CiCJqM73wwZR99bpqvdDhMNkypazH8AiapXh5_VN6bv9TXD13h9dxlj_qYN7pz38VCtFPlvS-QkdzKY4CMyDPZy7Vkoo9-1hc2m4EPAe-miyPd5SykQuNKeB3rHEcnD8L6mw/s4032/etienne-girardet-NJ7_RKmfsXw-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV-0YLCUeNteM8mzewlAJFNMXi0N7yRrMY0YYEr_lkT8ApSA_kqCPRz3CiCJqM73wwZR99bpqvdDhMNkypazH8AiapXh5_VN6bv9TXD13h9dxlj_qYN7pz38VCtFPlvS-QkdzKY4CMyDPZy7Vkoo9-1hc2m4EPAe-miyPd5SykQuNKeB3rHEcnD8L6mw/s320/etienne-girardet-NJ7_RKmfsXw-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">In this case, it didn’t happen. As the woman froze - and therefore did not instantly drive away - another man leapt out from the back seat of the car and hit the top of the car violently with another menacing and unknown electrical tool. At this point, the woman’s brain seemed to get back into gear and she drove off. </span><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She later reported feeling shocked and unnerved about the whole episode but proud of the fact that she had kept her feeling sufficiently under control to keep her child passenger calm. She accepted the car was damaged but said it could be repaired. All that mattered was that both human beings were safe.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The incident was reported to the police and she managed to get CCTV camera footage of the car involved, although not the actual attack.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The CCTV information came from a local nursery and the staff there laboriously trawled through the video footage until they found what was required. They didn’t need to; they were just being good citizens. They also explained that the crime level in the area appeared to have risen in recent months and talked about there being an “increased sense of danger out there” as one (male) member of staff put it.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He wondered if it was another unimagined consequence of lockdown. Even though lockdown laws and rules are no longer in place, it seems there are still fewer people out and about than there were. And some of those who are resuming their normal lives remain fearful to a certain extent, even wearing masks outside on occasion.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That may be a trouble with imposing draconian measures and making them law. It’s hard to reverse them when you decide you want people to get back to normal. Those who obeyed the rules will worry that Covid has not yet gone away and may remain fearful. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Conversely, those who took no notice of lockdown may have been emboldened by the empty streets and it could be we are seeing the consequences of that lack of fear. And then fear breeds fear and so it goes on.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is no moral to this story. It’s just sad. It seems to indicate we need to be careful to speak only to those people we know or recognise. Even an attempt to be helpful might be misconstrued. And that’s not a satisfactory way of living. We human animals need to connect and remain connected, as this painful pandemic has shown. We need adventures and fun and we need to take risks if we’re to have a life worth living. Closing down has not been good for us.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">PS: I’m adding a small postscript to the story and that is the police have yet to come back to the woman who was the victim of the crime. She’s been told it’s unlikely they will because they are forever short staffed and don’t have the manpower to follow such incidents up. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She did argue that most criminals started small and got bigger and brave the longer they did the work and got away with it. She felt she was unlikely to be affected by the same crime twice but worried that the four young criminals she’d come across might, if not stopped soon, become even more violent in the future. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One police officer did assure her someone would come back to her and collect the USB which records the evidence for which they’re looking. A police constable has been assigned to the case and will be in touch with her when he’s back on duty. She tells me she’s not holding her breath. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@wilcre?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Will Creswick</span></a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/car-accident?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Unsplash</span></a></b></i></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@etiennegirardet?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Etienne Girardet</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/fear?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></b></i></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></p><div><br /></div>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-10941326323942496352022-04-25T15:35:00.005+01:002022-04-26T14:35:14.858+01:00The Starring Quality for Politicians<p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">We might be on the way to a perfect storm. Tax rises are on their way, energy prices are already there, we’re probably in for a new bout of food shortages because of our reliance on imports and let’s not start talking about the Northern Ireland protocol. If you can explain how it’s working (or should work), you’re doing a good deal better than me.</span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"> </span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It looks as though our politicians are in for a rough ride for at least the foreseeable future. I’m not too sympathetic. It’s a job that’s very oversubscribed and they chose to enter politics. They can always leave if they’ve had enough, particularly if they have a reasonable level of independent wealth and are not reliant on their MP salaries.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve been wondering what makes a good politician. The qualities needed to get there seem obvious. Clearly, determination is way out in front. Can you imagine continually knocking on those doors of strangers, being told firmly to go away and still going on? No, nor me, I’d slink away at the first opportunity. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’d say you need a strong sense of self-belief, maybe even arrogance, to think that you can do the job better than others, and a resilience to keep on going even after you may feel you’ve been publicly humiliated - not winning that constituency seat for example. Such failure is very much in the public eye; a person needs to be pretty extraordinary to get over that. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then, if you’re lucky enough to get the job, you need to be almost a verbal contortionist if you’re to be considered for a ministerial prize in the future. Imagine those being sent out to support a PM and then learning within a few hours that their leader had changed his mind, leaving them with metaphorical egg on their face. It’s happened more than once recently. Those ones have to be brazen too.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">All public figures need charm and believability to convince you/us of the truth of what they’re saying and a persuasive style to assure us their path is the one we should choose. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What do we have so far? Self belief, arrogance, brazenness, charm, calmness under pressure, resilience, persuasiveness and, dare I say it, an ability to interpret the truth just that little bit. It shouldn’t be a prerequisite but, increasingly, that’s how it seems to be. And if you doubt it, go back and read an interview with a key politician about an important issue and then read what s/he has said some while later. You may be surprised to see how their recollections may vary.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">You may notice that all these qualities can be good or bad, depending on how they are used. Brazenness is borderline just bad but the others have a value that is useful for the common good.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is, however, one stand-alone quality that can only be for the common good and, I’d argue, is essential if you are to be a decent politician or a decent person in any kind of public office. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Empathy, that’s what they need. The ability to be able to imagine and understand what it might be like to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Imagine taking a private jet back from a global environmental conference when you’ve just been telling people to cut back on their own carbon footprint.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Or maybe you’ve been partying (gathering?) when you made the rules telling people they mustn’t, on pain - best case - of penalty notices and imprisonment or - worst case - helping to destroy the NHS or the life of someone you love. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then there’s tax rises at the same time as food shortages appear or, when the food’s about, the prices are much higher because of those same shortages. And the person making the decisions about our finances has a spouse with unimaginable wealth. You see where I’m going here?</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If those in positions of power had imagined how they’d feel in a less privileged position, they might have avoided being in such a pickle now. With empathy, they might have changed one or two of their own actions and thus lessened the chance of a fall in popularity and the potential loss of their own jobs. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m not biased. I can think of an ex-minister from another party saying he was: "Intensely relaxed about people getting filthy rich as long as they pay their taxes." Then there was a senior politician from yet another party who left politics and went off to seek his fortune in the US - lucky him, he has.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">All I’m saying is that it would be so much better for all of us if those in positions of power and influence over our lives could ask themselves how they would feel “if”.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If only they could do that, I get the sense it would be so much better for all of us, and maybe we’d all feel better too, even during the tough times ahead.</p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-6755894367060767222022-03-29T15:30:00.000+01:002022-03-29T15:30:45.424+01:00When Narcissism Turns Real<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9aBkReKsNUWLAU38eY37F05VgV33KULrb0yDHJu_HLgyd7qmi2Epav44PsanQ-bfAnfSkG-KoX9rYcRLkaRBPpVCL0kfmvjYBnUo2SH1NfFmfGIjS6t85et0ZJol2Cjp2DkzRXnMO5AjczmPXIMu1ciZnHbTRznGRENMsJ3GL7BoU2CaCZ4lSqXNkMw/s4128/marija-zaric-kfN72295tTc-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2322" data-original-width="4128" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9aBkReKsNUWLAU38eY37F05VgV33KULrb0yDHJu_HLgyd7qmi2Epav44PsanQ-bfAnfSkG-KoX9rYcRLkaRBPpVCL0kfmvjYBnUo2SH1NfFmfGIjS6t85et0ZJol2Cjp2DkzRXnMO5AjczmPXIMu1ciZnHbTRznGRENMsJ3GL7BoU2CaCZ4lSqXNkMw/s320/marija-zaric-kfN72295tTc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">Many of us will be familiar with the story of Narcissus, the flawed character in Greek mythology who fell in love with his reflection after a dirty trick was played on him by an angry goddess.</span><br />
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Poor Narcissus, instead of being grateful that he had been given such good looks and behaving with good grace, was arrogant and dismissive of those around him who didn’t come up to the same standard as him.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Inevitably, being a Greek tragedy, it was all going to end badly. Narcissus incurred the wrath of goddess Nemesis when he rejected an approach by nymph Echo who was only looking for a hug. His rejection wounded her so greatly that she faded away until all that was left of her was her echo. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In punishment, Nemesis took Narcissus to a pool where, when he saw his reflection, he fell in love. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It took him some time to understand that a spell had been cast on him and there was no “other” to love. And that, sadly, was the end of him.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The moral of the story clearly demonstrates that too much self-love can severely damage your health and well-being in very much the same way that too little can have an equally detrimental effect on a person.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Today’s definition of a narcissist has broadened considerably from that tale, so that sometimes it seems as if a person who selfishly disagrees with us and sticks ruthlessly to his/her point of view must be a narcissist, particularly when they’re riding roughshod over us.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Narcissism appears to be one of the most difficult personality types to identity. According to the <a href="https://www.psychiatry.org/psychiatrists/practice/dsm"><span style="color: #dca10d;">DSM-5</span></a>, the US classification manual used by many psychiatrists to diagnose mental disorders, it is hard to diagnose such a disorder because, ironically, people with it don’t tend to present with problems because they don’t see anything wrong with them!</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, the DSM gives professionals some clues as to what they might look out for. These include a sense of superiority; a sense of grandiosity, a need for attention and admiration; a sense of uniqueness as well as being self-centred, boastful and pretentious. There is more but this seems like a good start.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqww3vYHDFPEyiVdb4gzCCl-rHp-91-9Y8EQCgvc9cVljbAKZ3D0Y4xpeBMvG4MUK9YhHtsCNrPGYlXtaCIQKjoWwaLg4Yas3e7FGnSYfJt7xzf0g_EUhkqk9LIlzvV3iIx45EJDDRo8jKvSNn8Ouwcq3B2byorVvce7JsrywPji7mdVe2svwPBaWPFA/s5760/laurenz-kleinheider-OsC8HauR0e0-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3840" data-original-width="5760" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqww3vYHDFPEyiVdb4gzCCl-rHp-91-9Y8EQCgvc9cVljbAKZ3D0Y4xpeBMvG4MUK9YhHtsCNrPGYlXtaCIQKjoWwaLg4Yas3e7FGnSYfJt7xzf0g_EUhkqk9LIlzvV3iIx45EJDDRo8jKvSNn8Ouwcq3B2byorVvce7JsrywPji7mdVe2svwPBaWPFA/s320/laurenz-kleinheider-OsC8HauR0e0-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> <p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We all have some - or all - of those qualities in us but the problem arises when they are taken to extreme and when there is no-one who is there to point out where we may be going wrong. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Children often demonstrate a fair few of these characteristics - “I was the best”; “I’m the cleverest”; “I’m the prettiest/strongest”, etc and the ones I’ve investigated seem to have a tremendous sense of self-worth. Who would want to knock that?</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unfortunately, though hopefully in a kind way, somebody has to. The charm of a slightly optimistic child might diminish as they grow up into a vainglorious adult. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I suggest one of a parent’s most difficult tasks is trying to find a way of balancing their own innate belief that their child really is the world’s most perfect specimen with the knowledge needed to help that child fit into society in a way that encourages their self-belief but not at the expense of others. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Culture is important here. Japanese children are asked by their parents: “How would you feel if?” as a way of helping them to connect with others. The question encourages the child to imagine how they would react to a given situation. It’s a healthy way of teaching empathy.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Conversely, and up until fairly recently, a type of English parent would come down hard on a child that appeared to be over-pleased with him/herself. The British culture didn’t approve of boastfulness or anyone aiming for a starring role. The expression “too big for their boots” comes to mind. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Fortunately, such harshness seems to have softened but we now have the problem of what seems to be that everyone is determined to take centre stage. It’s a problem because not everyone is able and, if we tell the young child they can be anything they wish to be, they may be bitterly disappointed when they find reality isn’t like that.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Some experts say narcissists, contrary to how they appear, are internally full of self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Other studies suggest they are among the happiest of people because they have no doubts. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We are unlikely to know for sure because of the dearth of narcissists who present for help but one point we might all agree on is that narcissism is not appealing for those who are around it. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Imagine working for, say, a Russian President, who doesn’t like to hear the word “no” in his presence. What catastrophic mistakes he might make because his ego refused to allow an “other” voice to be heard. It might even lead to war.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Or what about an extraordinarily privileged prince who is forced to disappear from view because all those adults couldn’t tell him “no”. He should have supporters, friends or staff to speak out on his behalf, but he seemed to have alienated them to such a degree that he was left all alone vain-glorious. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This also applies to ordinary family, where one person is allowed to take too much control. It may happen so slowly that nobody notices until it’s too late. Too much power is placed in one person’s hands until it ends up not only being the acolytes who suffer, but the narcissists themselves. Their own actions have caused them to thwart themselves.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Oh, for the wisdom of the ancient Greeks!</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@simplicity?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Marija Zaric</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/narcissism?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@laurlenz?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Laurenz Kleinheider</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/mirror-reflection?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><div><br /></div>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p> </p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-70108811150921716452022-03-14T08:41:00.002+00:002022-03-14T09:05:06.098+00:00What A Chinese Banquet Can Teach Us About Working Together<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgV_Ij2PqexyLa8ZMXs5glwBjSMAfVAWCMHbIB-NYlLueSMNLnNOZZBcJQW6UlSksyLn4aSx8ylyjNoeGFjS_OVVK-QLt5bE-QlJ9saIXlSwVKwca5bvVaP6pEBCO1IVtruu21my6dwvSgpyqwHqi-cXgptvBq0plSQkhM2cXeR2rUHcDgLBZookA8GLw=s6720" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2719" data-original-width="6720" height="129" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgV_Ij2PqexyLa8ZMXs5glwBjSMAfVAWCMHbIB-NYlLueSMNLnNOZZBcJQW6UlSksyLn4aSx8ylyjNoeGFjS_OVVK-QLt5bE-QlJ9saIXlSwVKwca5bvVaP6pEBCO1IVtruu21my6dwvSgpyqwHqi-cXgptvBq0plSQkhM2cXeR2rUHcDgLBZookA8GLw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></p>I was lucky enough to be invited to a (late) Chinese celebration to mark Chinese New Year.</span><p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">I was a bit apprehensive - I only knew the person who’d invited me - because I’m not as informed about the culture as I feel I should be and had very little idea what to expect. I try to embrace change and look positively towards the unknown but I have to admit it can sometimes be challenging. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Fortunately, the company was kind and those fellow diners at my table did their best to include me as they told fascinating stories of their time in the Far East.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The dinner - a banquet really - was presented in a traditional Chinese way. That is, with a revolving glass table that sits on the table top and which can be turned in one direction or another so that each diner helps themselves to a dish.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The dishes are plentiful and intended to be shared. The point of the New Year dinner is to celebrate family and friends, to be thankful for what you have received and to combine and share your provisions with grace and goodwill. A great deal of thought goes into the food and it is important to be aware of the giver’s generosity and to honour the guest in attendance. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It was easy to acknowledge and be grateful for such a delicious dinner. It was so enjoyable it will remain in my happy memory bank for some time yet.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But I found another thought creeping in as I was enjoying my fare and that was how efficient the system of distribution was. The moveable plate went both clockwise and anti-clockwise and you could see who was helping themselves so there was not a chance of either missing out or accessing your particular choice because you simply turned the style in your direction of travel and, hey presto, there it was! </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It did come unstuck just the once and that was when a guest was helping herself to a dish one side and a fellow guest on the other - who was talking intently to his companion - began to turn the platter in his direction. He was quick and it happened so fast that the first guest still had her hands in the air clutching at the serving spoons with a slight sense of panic as the table moved away from her. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Delicious dish carnage was only just prevented by a quick intervention from another guest who managed to gain a good grip of the revolving glass and stop it moving. Apologies followed and honour was restored.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That episode brings to mind the plight of cars, traffic lights and roundabouts. If a driver approaching a set of traffic lights just before a roundabout stops his/her car when the lights go red, the traffic from the right-hand side will be able to flow freely, either turning left and going away from the roundabout or turning right to move further into it.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhJejf9e_Fh7TbW2rCchFVZvKsesnEUkVsZcR-zjdav2Ck4DFanKOJJyiYTY_hNXmyRhr_CHIaSF1F3DfsFwvqqGDa_cG31DPShC0tvazMy8q8wgTVkfiFPljhh1FpdAO34IR0srx1slDgL5Ovr5ZaIbI1X52BDWArXsX_7I7OnEmxAC3_7YsemxkpSAQ=s640" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhJejf9e_Fh7TbW2rCchFVZvKsesnEUkVsZcR-zjdav2Ck4DFanKOJJyiYTY_hNXmyRhr_CHIaSF1F3DfsFwvqqGDa_cG31DPShC0tvazMy8q8wgTVkfiFPljhh1FpdAO34IR0srx1slDgL5Ovr5ZaIbI1X52BDWArXsX_7I7OnEmxAC3_7YsemxkpSAQ=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If, however, the driver - and the one behind - continues crossing the line just as the red light appears when their way forward is not clear, the problems start. If it’s busy, that leaves those drivers on the right blocked and unable to move. As the queues snarl up, so does the frustration and the fury. And all for what? The chance of reaching your destination a minute or two ahead of time. Instead, the likelihood is that you - and everyone else - will be stuck in stop-start traffic for a great deal longer than you’d planned.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">You may have heard of Stanford University Professor Walter Mischel’s 1972 experiment on pre-school children and their ability to hold out for a culinary reward. Some children gave in to temptation quickly while others were able to contain themselves for a while longer. The children’s progress was followed over the years and those who could hold out the longest were found to do better throughout life than those who gave in to the first temptation. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Research has moved on and a 2020 study reported in US publication <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/kids_do_better_on_the_marshmallow_test_when_they_cooperate"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Greater Good</span></a> goes further and finds that children do even better in this test when they cooperate. The study put two children together in a room, gave them a task to do and left them with a biscuit and permission to either eat it or wait until the researcher returned and then get another one. The study involved children from industrialised Germany and children from a rural community in Kenya to see if there might be a cultural difference. The results were the same. Those children who worked together were able to delay their own gratification for longer showing, the researchers said, that humans found working together for a common goal to be more enjoyable than going it alone.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And that brings me back to the revolving table at the Chinese banquet. It works so well. If only we could remember it’s not just about us serving ourselves, but about sharing with others.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> <i> </i></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-75977692633132156212022-02-28T18:06:00.000+00:002022-02-28T18:06:08.087+00:00Life's A Risky Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhNMqNv6jPIIYY4j5Vw1zBIQmi38-9sL79VMPSNzCYCsm8_Bis12M7hQKgm1fxJW9CpbKoBN4o9IVnAIh4LKaxXlvE_CUJt_8Pi-YLOhJ5XEcazxIbvSdLjyHyEY74K7WQ9s8K0kKWfME0mhfEg-Oq6hyMXfcz0BY6Xn6ME9tnIKrnNK_G2vGwQgbxHCw=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2691" data-original-width="4032" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhNMqNv6jPIIYY4j5Vw1zBIQmi38-9sL79VMPSNzCYCsm8_Bis12M7hQKgm1fxJW9CpbKoBN4o9IVnAIh4LKaxXlvE_CUJt_8Pi-YLOhJ5XEcazxIbvSdLjyHyEY74K7WQ9s8K0kKWfME0mhfEg-Oq6hyMXfcz0BY6Xn6ME9tnIKrnNK_G2vGwQgbxHCw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhNMqNv6jPIIYY4j5Vw1zBIQmi38-9sL79VMPSNzCYCsm8_Bis12M7hQKgm1fxJW9CpbKoBN4o9IVnAIh4LKaxXlvE_CUJt_8Pi-YLOhJ5XEcazxIbvSdLjyHyEY74K7WQ9s8K0kKWfME0mhfEg-Oq6hyMXfcz0BY6Xn6ME9tnIKrnNK_G2vGwQgbxHCw=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><br /></a></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">I started on this subject before the invasion of Ukraine and it felt a little frivolous to continue considering the enormity of what is going on now within our European borders.</span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, after some reflection, I’ve decided this idea may not be as disconnected as it first seemed. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The life-threatening situation for the poor citizens of Ukraine clearly demonstrate the risks they face. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Those brave people defying President Putin’s invasion and fighting for their liberty and their land are taking a real risk. There is a frightening and growing chance of either being injured or killed and, as borders close up, the opportunity to escape decreases. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We who are safely distant are witnessing a real horror and risk. Some Ukrainians are leaving the safety of their home here and going back to fight for their country. Most of us, however, can only watch and hope. Or pray.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Our lives seem so much more comfortable than compared with the days before the invasion. Our growing worries about net zero costs and how we were going to pay the rising energy bills no longer seem so important. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Even the necessity of finding tens of thousands of pounds to replace a boiler or car to achieve that same net zero goal is paling into insignificance as I wonder if President Putin is serious about nuclear weapon plans.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj6bhkhK6zJDsY66vuLp77HVThDzlOu_5W6D4A70SzFLFQHDuuHMDTQQNKR5t7PvDTeVd0dBhn5W6ryQlRHSH4eseEEvQnGfw4giZJ_6vfGFWwT21iiKpi3cX5rWjwiteHkOieK3SW29TPfgoyLZ0k7fItFqvJBRrIFRyvGItQOW1oWwRst2N73Lp0Gyw=s3008" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="3008" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj6bhkhK6zJDsY66vuLp77HVThDzlOu_5W6D4A70SzFLFQHDuuHMDTQQNKR5t7PvDTeVd0dBhn5W6ryQlRHSH4eseEEvQnGfw4giZJ_6vfGFWwT21iiKpi3cX5rWjwiteHkOieK3SW29TPfgoyLZ0k7fItFqvJBRrIFRyvGItQOW1oWwRst2N73Lp0Gyw=s320" width="320" /></a></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m hoping that what’s going on within my own inner world is not so different from others. I’m imagining we’re all considering putting our petty quarrels to one side as we contemplate and absorb the reality of what calamity our brave friends may be facing.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And yet, when I venture outside my inner world to the world outside, I get the feeling our authorities have not yet grasped what I understand as real risk. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The rules around lockdown - remember that? How so last month it all seems - have been abandoned. Theoretically, we have no need of nose and mouth coverings or written instructions about how much distance we need to maintain between our individual selves. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We can once again open our arms wide and explore the - safe - country around us. We can acknowledge the continuing risk of covid but hope that our vaccinations and boosters will make it less deadly and, in time, it may even disappear altogether.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My journey around London shows me how risk seems to be perceived. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhUlvufoM4mXRNlKKeEWHPLx1uiBDcKRhaumuzlex3WuCZRR852DI0OnfE4KxN2gGXkKLvAae7GCwxNFMhf7UGqgDwHm6EM0fJ2YOYv70aogiUpG-I_nR5rTk7yCbEaxStyOPkFGCzcajvdaBrdp9ZPhg5lXbyEOnhIkybhaYN_kv-HdoMSabIoROYpvg=s4800" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4800" data-original-width="3204" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhUlvufoM4mXRNlKKeEWHPLx1uiBDcKRhaumuzlex3WuCZRR852DI0OnfE4KxN2gGXkKLvAae7GCwxNFMhf7UGqgDwHm6EM0fJ2YOYv70aogiUpG-I_nR5rTk7yCbEaxStyOPkFGCzcajvdaBrdp9ZPhg5lXbyEOnhIkybhaYN_kv-HdoMSabIoROYpvg=s320" width="214" /></a></div><p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">I’m warned to wear a mask on buses and tubes to “protect others” (a clever bit of psychology in case I’m not concerned about protecting me) and told to wash my hands for at least 20 seconds in case of germs. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Careful not to trip up the escalators, “mind the gap” on the tube, keep your distance! Do this, Don’t do that. Travellers holding on to their mask habit avert their eyes from someone who is mask free. They look anxious, their eyes darting nervously from nose to mouth. Are these warnings helping us or are they making life just that bit more frightening?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Of course it makes sense. We have been locked away and scared for almost two years. We have discovered a new illness that was highly infectious and for which there was initially no cure. Who wouldn’t be scared? </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But it’s all so obvious too and, some would argue, these are decisions that any adult person would take. Germs pass through contact - wash your hands; cover your mouth if you’re coughing and sneezing and keep your distance. If you’re ill, keep away from others. We knew that before the pandemic so why, I wonder, does it all seem so threatening now.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">From a personal point of view, I am concerned that this two-year period has left us as needy and insecure as small children. It’s as though we’ve had our own agency taken away and we’re having to learn to live again from scratch. We already know lockdown has had a damaging effect on children and young people but what about those of us who thought we had left our childhoods way behind us? This in-between stage at the wrong time of life is very unsettling. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Part of the problem may be because politicians and those in authority like it when people do as they’re told. It makes it easier for them if we’re compliant. Rules are habit-forming. If we are forced to stick to them for long enough, they may become second nature for some people.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For others, this just brings up resentment. Take a look at a toddler who wants to do something for themselves as you try to help them. The chances are they will brush your hand away impatiently and continue on their own path. That is as it should be: they are on the path to growing up.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It seems that we presently have this dichotomy between those poor people in Ukraine who have had their safety and security ripped away from them at a terrible and astonishing speed, while those of us lucky enough to be in the UK are almost reluctant to ease ourselves out of our own state-sponsored and comfortable cocoon.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">May I politely suggest it’s time we took back control and acknowledged life is a risky business. However, as adults we are perfectly capable of making our own risk assessments. In order to get the best out of life, we need to live it as adults, weighing up the risks and taking our own decisions. Decision making may be hard but life’s more fun that way. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@maxkuk?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Max Kukurudziak</span></a> on <span style="color: #dca10d;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/ukraine?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@mattartz?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Matt Artz</span></a> on <span style="color: #dca10d;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/danger?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo 3: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@edwardhowellphotography?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Edward Howell</span></a> on </i></b></span><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #dca10d;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/ukraine?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 2px;"><br /></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-53322396838078527762022-02-07T12:28:00.000+00:002022-02-07T12:28:17.282+00:00How To Say Sorry and Mean It<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiqAwE3jiBa-b9BfkMZuy5Z-KEIadPJAwCzcG8Qg6W0Qzmnaae_6mrg9cj0r_ELwNDeb67MbgT4WT20z14nYJiyltRbpyuORidMUyg8NRXY-ZYb2257cNVEwb0tSATaoqxYDUnUiDlDOjM81dSJHUlTBZD4gmE1fOG9CJJhMkSubJr-dzqgl58c_YPIXA=s5184" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3888" data-original-width="5184" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiqAwE3jiBa-b9BfkMZuy5Z-KEIadPJAwCzcG8Qg6W0Qzmnaae_6mrg9cj0r_ELwNDeb67MbgT4WT20z14nYJiyltRbpyuORidMUyg8NRXY-ZYb2257cNVEwb0tSATaoqxYDUnUiDlDOjM81dSJHUlTBZD4gmE1fOG9CJJhMkSubJr-dzqgl58c_YPIXA=s320" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">Sorry is a word that many of us find hard to say.</span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">Sometimes, it’s not so difficult. You bump into a person, say sorry and move on with the easy acceptance that it was your fault.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But it becomes a little more difficult to own up to one’s own errors when there might be repercussions and, the worse the repercussions, the trickier it is to say the word.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let’s start with the need for an apology. Why do we need to do it?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Put simply, it’s part of our society’s rules to allow us to live reasonably well within our group. It is usually seen as a way of making good a situation that has gone wrong.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It feels as though it should be second nature. We are taught from almost the time we can speak that sometimes we have to say sorry. It’s effectively ingrained and that means our conscience will be giving us a strong clue when we should be apologising. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So how is it that, almost from the time we learn of the need to own up to our errors, some of us also feel the need to wriggle out of that apologetic mode?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As with most things, it probably starts in childhood. Think of the child who has that naughty expression even when they’re innocent and they get the blame. Imagine that sense of indignation when it’s not your fault. If it goes on too long, you’re quite likely to wonder at the merits of apologies with a distorted view of your own.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And what about the angelic-looking child who looks as though butter wouldn’t melt in his/her mouth - and yet their behaviour is devilish? They don’t need to say sorry because they’re never blamed. When they grow up, they, too, may have a skewed idea of how polite society works.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Most of us are somewhere in the middle, occasionally being blamed for what we didn’t do but being able to set that off against the time when we “got away” with things of which we were guilty. An example of that might be going slightly over a 30-mile speed limit when driving and not being caught. Guilty but lucky. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Many of us are also fortunate that our apologies tend to be private matters so, if we do feel humiliation, it will probably not last too long.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj4eOvrm-AVh1TXZ4bOQKzr5_IwluYTY_2DdPO_s4g6v04nB3M07bJZiRRRqki8OCANZSeHEXXBy_MZP99ySyRaPOtne8V6QTBWtO_gTIIYuhstYX0_5iqOhdMyYLQLwHES-bfbpsU4dVUblvikPxlRAbvm_XiEJl5NAg-BoO7vqnbmFFUYxs5oTE44lw=s4242" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2828" data-original-width="4242" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj4eOvrm-AVh1TXZ4bOQKzr5_IwluYTY_2DdPO_s4g6v04nB3M07bJZiRRRqki8OCANZSeHEXXBy_MZP99ySyRaPOtne8V6QTBWtO_gTIIYuhstYX0_5iqOhdMyYLQLwHES-bfbpsU4dVUblvikPxlRAbvm_XiEJl5NAg-BoO7vqnbmFFUYxs5oTE44lw=s320" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">When sorry seems to be the hardest word</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But what happens when you’re obliged to make an apology in public and it’s televised around the nation. How should you manage that? </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let’s now turn to the political arena and the current PM’s quandaries.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In our culture - and this is different from other parts of the world - we require the person saying they’re sorry to look at us when they do so. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It is important that we see each other’s eyes. On a primitive - instinctive - level, we need to feel that the person really is truly sorry. And then we can decide whether we are going to forgive and forget, accept it and bear a grudge or reject it completely. Generally, people tend to be forgiving so the first option seems the most likely to work.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But, and there is a very big but, all this depends on how contrite you really are. If you apologise because you must but you neither feel it nor mean it, then your potential friend or foe will pick up on those inner feelings and react accordingly. They will sense that your heart isn’t in it and they may be reluctant to forgive.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This leads us back to the PM. Putting aside the misinformation, confusion, possibly being economical with the truth and the fact that a great number of people in Britain obeyed the lockdown laws set by the Government over Covid, it was possible Boris might still be forgiven for disobeying those same laws, if he did.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, his apology needed to be good and, in my opinion, it was not. The problem came from his clear discomfort as he addressed MPs in the House of Commons. It seemed to me that he was grudging. He is a usually clear speaker. He may - he often does - go off on a tangent but I can hear what he says. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This time it was harder. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The apologetic words were said but were somehow rushed over. There wasn’t a pause for us to digest them and to consider what we felt about them. It seemed like a take-it-or-leave -it moment. It was almost as if he were a little boy being made to say sorry when he really didn’t want to. It was not as though he was the man behind the laws and the one who had put us in lockdown. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjBa4g8v76cW0MAI8jOlRkUn-ruxtbj9UoRdcADOhl7VONOcdkbzMArdtw5ax_-YidUip5AmE4FCaNFD_MrCpvRfOPP8w0UokX-VfkeKJ0ZxwQ9TL2I4uI-LiV09o1XjkucGmz7OSVzs4RZtxaSJWsFpejnhC7q0Du9ayIfABuwRCw2Jbia5Km72SX_gg=s5929" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3953" data-original-width="5929" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjBa4g8v76cW0MAI8jOlRkUn-ruxtbj9UoRdcADOhl7VONOcdkbzMArdtw5ax_-YidUip5AmE4FCaNFD_MrCpvRfOPP8w0UokX-VfkeKJ0ZxwQ9TL2I4uI-LiV09o1XjkucGmz7OSVzs4RZtxaSJWsFpejnhC7q0Du9ayIfABuwRCw2Jbia5Km72SX_gg=w320-h213" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Lockdown was hard on everyone</span></td></tr></tbody></table><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Even so, this, too, might just have been forgiven if he had kept his eyes on the prize - to get the electorate onside. If he had only dropped his gaze, bowed his head a little longer when coming under fire from his opponents and left us convinced that he accepted he was to blame. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This didn’t happen. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Boris was too quick to brush over it and launch his own attack on someone else - to deflect, in other words. Attack was not the best form of defence, here, and he blew it. We were not convinced it was a heartfelt apology, despite the best efforts of his loyal supporters to insist that he really was contrite. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And the moral of the story? </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Only apologise if you mean it. Be prepared to tolerate some form of admonishment and maybe even allow yourself to feel a bit awkward and accepting that you deserve it. If not, say nothing. A phoney apology only makes matters worse.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@brett_jordan?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Brett Jordan</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/sorry?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@caleb_woods?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Caleb Woods</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/child?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@rodlong?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Rod Long</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/lockdown?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><div><br /></div>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-23742104306065897672022-01-17T15:14:00.001+00:002022-01-17T15:20:01.491+00:00A Hidden Death From Covid<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiaBCksUsBpbs8PNYW1Eb1CpRCvItU5i5Z68EDKTrMXCL7EgIA9h7f-xmOPeUSC_B-2uFS8bZGv6JhUeyIaYLl9hX4OZ5rKIiz7Ea1qZLDEbea_YRY1e2Bwp-PcDWRJ-DyAkx2JAQ9WPOYw-TNopIS5PBHo98MgSxJ-eKGaWCiQZNAV8eJIQXbkw3I7xw=s5775" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3850" data-original-width="5775" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiaBCksUsBpbs8PNYW1Eb1CpRCvItU5i5Z68EDKTrMXCL7EgIA9h7f-xmOPeUSC_B-2uFS8bZGv6JhUeyIaYLl9hX4OZ5rKIiz7Ea1qZLDEbea_YRY1e2Bwp-PcDWRJ-DyAkx2JAQ9WPOYw-TNopIS5PBHo98MgSxJ-eKGaWCiQZNAV8eJIQXbkw3I7xw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span><p></p><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">I heard recently of the death of someone who died over the Christmas period. It was a sudden unexpected death and it went unnoticed for some days.</span></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">Friends telephoned their friend over a period of two or three days, assuming they might have gone back to family for Christmas. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They left messages and heard nothing so went round to the person’s home to see if they were there but just not answering the phone. No answer so the police were called. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The property was securely bolted so it was hard to get it. Experts were needed to remove the protective locks and doors.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Inside, it was as friends and family feared. The person's life force was gone.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The cause of death has been given to some extent so relatives and friends can go on with their mourning. There are toxicology reports to come through but, while those are necessary, they will not impede the process of what happens next.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Meanwhile, there are relatives and friends, officials such as police, medics, locksmiths and paramedics, who are likely to have experienced some form of trauma at the way this poor person left this world. They may be used to dealing with tragic and emergency cases but that doesn’t make it any easier.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And somehow such a death over Christmas seems to make it worse, to die all alone when many of us are celebrating with our loved ones at this time.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEibq02JiuNX0NwpCM1vQTOEhFggCvKoSbn-TQqwHOPGJx678N4DXt0mBJ6WSFZrNFxQYO0nP2LBn1-te8deAUQbPDjWcYDAZgie4tpK4a8_RSdkvtmjMLsRmdPM1MgPuZZsgRbP3F-Y7lq6CCXhGb71i28_kNpFzEfXP3UpwyRu3ZdBGTlSss8rlde4hg=s3637" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3637" data-original-width="3637" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEibq02JiuNX0NwpCM1vQTOEhFggCvKoSbn-TQqwHOPGJx678N4DXt0mBJ6WSFZrNFxQYO0nP2LBn1-te8deAUQbPDjWcYDAZgie4tpK4a8_RSdkvtmjMLsRmdPM1MgPuZZsgRbP3F-Y7lq6CCXhGb71i28_kNpFzEfXP3UpwyRu3ZdBGTlSss8rlde4hg=w320-h250" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m told that those who entered the person’s home were shocked at the squalor. There was dirt - of all kinds - and mess as though nothing had been cleaned for years. Takeaway cartons were discarded where they were finished; empty bottles of alcohol lay beside chairs and a sofa and there were no sheets on the one double bed. Just a mattress with a pillow. Nothing else.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The signs might indicate someone with depression or an alcohol problem. I don’t know, I never knew this person. What I am told, however, is that pre the pandemic, they enjoyed meeting friends and going out to the local pub. True, they rarely invited friends into their home but some had been there and not seen anything to concern them.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, what seems to have changed someone from being a reasonably sociable human being into a total recluse in a period of just less than two years? Yes, that’s what I suspected too. Covid.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It seems this person went into extreme covid-protection mode. They - I’m keeping this gender-free for confidentiality reasons - was very afraid and took the government’s laws, rules and regulations as seriously as it was possible to take them. Perhaps even to extremes.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They ordered all their shopping online, left it outside to allow any germs to dissipate and then slowly and laboriously carried it in with surgical gloves and then washed it all through again. I don’t know how the takeaways were managed but they seem to me to give an indication that, despite all this extreme care (even obsessive behaviour) this person still wanted to live.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, imagine, you go from being a mildly outgoing person some two years ago with, admittedly some tendencies that a professional might wonder at and bring to your attention, to somebody who continues to live but seems to have also completely shut down. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The problem was, because of lockdown, such extreme behaviour went unnoticed. There were no checks or balances because no-one was there. All state-run organisations had gone to ground, including GPs, social workers, community carers, and to be fair they were only doing what they were told to do. Everyone had to be kept away. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That also applied to families. If you were individuals who were all part of one family but lived separately, you either had to bundle together or stay on your ownsome. Unsurprisingly, many people chose to continue to live on their own. After all, it was only going to be for three weeks or so, wasn’t it?</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And, in case, we forgot to comply with the latest law or rule - not for our own good, you understand, but either to keep the NHS safe (isn’t it supposed to keep us safe?) or to protect others - we were threatened with a possible £10,000 fine or even a 10-year prison term.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Meanwhile, those who had imposed such draconian laws on us have now been found to have been partying their way around lockdown from almost the start of it. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhf4aBEaqq1TRiTp1IYt9LDBzKtGOh3ks3EDjEqtcwuznk3-3bn8ecwOq4JHq63QHxY3ckY-bnI6yEm7Y7sDAouYJB_ATrb-2lysBGySCLYHMxCXkx1BM-bGgYcK5scA8tU9WGeoZUq8gy-0MrTuW2wuNwJUqxvhfOXb8SETI3xb-83B_vcOCgi-bujqw=s4767" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3473" data-original-width="4767" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhf4aBEaqq1TRiTp1IYt9LDBzKtGOh3ks3EDjEqtcwuznk3-3bn8ecwOq4JHq63QHxY3ckY-bnI6yEm7Y7sDAouYJB_ATrb-2lysBGySCLYHMxCXkx1BM-bGgYcK5scA8tU9WGeoZUq8gy-0MrTuW2wuNwJUqxvhfOXb8SETI3xb-83B_vcOCgi-bujqw=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, when I heard about this latest death, I felt both sad and angry because of what covid and lockdown has left for us. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This particular death will never be added to that strange number reported on the TV and radio that is signalled as being “with” covid, rather than “from” covid - making the numbers impossible to understand. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Instead, the death certificate will register something quite different. A sad tragic accident that ended the life of someone who was perhaps a little vulnerable. We can be momentarily upset but not too concerned; it’s unusual after all.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Except that I worry it’s not. I imagine there are many more sad deaths like this one that will never be recorded as they should be. Deaths that might have been avoided if not for lockdown and its strange, unconsidered laws and rules that forced us to comply, even when we disagreed. We know they were unreasonable because the behaviour of our political leaders shows us. They partied. They did not believe they were going to die. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So where do we go from here? I’d suggest it’s an easy one. No apologies, no lessons to be learnt, no waiting for inquiries. Just no. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We must never let this happen again. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@sashafreemind?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Sasha Freemind</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/loneliness?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jannerboy62?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Nick Fewings</span></a> on <span style="color: #dca10d;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/covid?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a><u> </u></span></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@deleece?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Deleece Cook</span></a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/party?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Unsplash</span></a></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-73942869482921088372022-01-03T11:30:00.000+00:002022-01-03T11:30:25.199+00:002022 - Facing a Fearless Future<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjorZHabwS7ZPKWL0s7CBbyH8wyEMRwZjbgNpfUeyJfwvhc5ZYPXu02vzYshKlPnrr6y-_eqMKeaXZj5kUccqPj6EFw31Y8V3M7i4V5WFUuh-3ycE50jfBKqVd5SEdOCyIviTS7wcd5IkeKX_R8ySSWDi1Dgs13TMqMkKzyk8EvlorfqRH10Zsv7_WU4g=s2869" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2592" data-original-width="2869" height="289" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjorZHabwS7ZPKWL0s7CBbyH8wyEMRwZjbgNpfUeyJfwvhc5ZYPXu02vzYshKlPnrr6y-_eqMKeaXZj5kUccqPj6EFw31Y8V3M7i4V5WFUuh-3ycE50jfBKqVd5SEdOCyIviTS7wcd5IkeKX_R8ySSWDi1Dgs13TMqMkKzyk8EvlorfqRH10Zsv7_WU4g=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sometimes a person’s brain seems to be particularly susceptible to an external message. Say, for example, you’re experiencing a feeling of hunger while not being aware of the actual feeling. You may be watching television and you see someone eating some chocolate. “I know,” you think, “I wonder if I’ve got any chocolate. I feel the need for something sweet.” And off you go, none the wiser. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And that’s how advertising works. By persuading the unaware person that what is being sold is what you want. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s just clever psychology.</p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One phrase has been resonating with me more and more in the past few weeks. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Don’t be afraid!” is the command I hear, even when I’m least expecting it and when I’m not doing anything that needs particular care. It arrived a number of times over the festive season and it seems to have snuck up from somewhere in my subconscious to reach my conscious mind where it’s been hammering ever since. It’s a constant - one that keeps popping into my head - like an earworm but without the jaunty jingle. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It doesn’t take too much reflection to understand from where this may be coming. The past two years of our lives have been dominated by fear, not just individually but as a collective. It’s been an extraordinary and exhausting time.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The arrival of Covid-19 at the beginning of 2020 (there are indications it was in Europe as early as November 2019 and the clue may be in the name) took the UK from what appeared to be a nation looking forward with a reasonable share of optimism to a country full of despair. Hopeless, in fact.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Suddenly, we went from being a society full of mainly sociable people to a group of fearful and isolated individuals and the longer we stayed like that, the more fearful we became.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s easy to look back and suggest things should have been done differently. Who knows? There’s to be an inquiry into the official handling of the virus and that will offer up its findings in due course. The data will be telling but what it says, I imagine, will be dependent on who’s listening. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What we do know is that it has always been open to interpretation and, even as recently as last month, we were still being kept in a vortex of terror. One day we were being allowed and encouraged to believe life was on the verge of returning to normal, the next day came omicron and the threat of another complete lockdown. Our political leaders appeared to have no idea - though the scientists seemed determined that their way was the right one - and we were back to a level of uncertainly that does not improve with age. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgoE7dtA32gjts6cqSWM53uJZWMs1c7NT7tGYR5Qzhf88R6DXrChzvpwPqUMXghSlFL1EiaxWZmY3JYfcHtUhDJ1yiHKuhiRRGLMaQpaEraOuxMCrmCWWUMmnvSVqFot-cCZu1Z7lkyIJU6XTef2dvP9_DibykkOtZkDLy2lfOrq9EKBL3qFvnaJJZGGQ=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgoE7dtA32gjts6cqSWM53uJZWMs1c7NT7tGYR5Qzhf88R6DXrChzvpwPqUMXghSlFL1EiaxWZmY3JYfcHtUhDJ1yiHKuhiRRGLMaQpaEraOuxMCrmCWWUMmnvSVqFot-cCZu1Z7lkyIJU6XTef2dvP9_DibykkOtZkDLy2lfOrq9EKBL3qFvnaJJZGGQ=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">There is a glimmer of hope though because there may be signs that we could be experiencing the beginning of the end. If the virus is mutating into a less deadly form, or if the vaccinations are as effective as hoped, then there will be no need for another lockdown.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So what are we to do about the fear factor with which some of us are still left? </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Some people argue that we need to be kept apart and isolated for the good of society as a whole; the opposite of how we were used to interacting. Those people - including some influential scientists - seem to enjoy the status quo. I puzzle to understand that and look to the past for an explanation.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Philosopher Thomas Hobbes put forward the idea of offering total allegiance to the sovereign in exchange for safety. You put your all (including material possessions) at the feet of your sovereign and, in return, he kept you safe. If not, the contract was void. Hobbes was living during the Civil War so we can perhaps understand his reasoning. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, in <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fear-Freedom-Routledge-Classics/dp/0415253888"><span style="color: #dca10d;">The Fear of Freedom</span></a>, argued that humans are not actually that keen on individual freedom and are drawn to having rules imposed on them from above. That, he explained, was the reason for the rise of the desire for a totalitarian state. He was writing in the 1940s, during World War II, so we can again see his influences.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And moving into the present, journalist Laura Dodsworth talking specifically about this pandemic discusses the <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/State-Fear-government-weaponised-Covid-19/dp/1780667205"><span style="color: #dca10d;">theory</span></a> that it’s easier to control a population if we make them frightened. I don’t think we can deny that we have been frightened. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m hoping against hope all this was not a deliberate plan to frighten us. However, I’m one of those people who believe it’s time to escape from this almost-solitary confinement and to take the risk of living again. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We need to be brave and draw on the strength we all have within us if only we remember. Personally, I’m going to acknowledge I’m afraid - no, maybe not afraid, maybe just nervous - while continuing with the “don’t be afraid” mantra to allow me to take those first delicate steps to reconnect with the world outside. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I may even dust down my edition of <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence/dp/B011T7KWO6/ref=asc_df_B011T7KWO6/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=499447908170&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15934085639549168862&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045896&hvtargid=pla-1186274169782&psc=1"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway</span></a> and see what extra tips I can glean. The one thing I do know is that I’m not going to allow another two years to go by before I get back my old level of bravery.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you watched the latest Strictly Come Dancing, you’ll remember the inspiration winner Rose Ayling-Ellis, who has been deaf from birth. She showed what an amazing talent she is and how resilience and perseverance can pay off. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She posted this on Instagram: “Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Wise advice. </p><p> </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1 by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@fuuj?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Fuu J</span></a> on <span style="color: #dca10d;"><a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/freedom?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></span></i></b></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@etiennegirardet?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Etienne Girardet</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/fear?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></i></b></span></span></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-15137620203966143812021-12-07T10:33:00.002+00:002021-12-07T10:33:42.410+00:00Social Media and the Drama Triangle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgzlg4C3F81J4O2-My4AQU49Z2ouI-_G4ZMAL3pFEumNwZv_zpKP8SP9i-vDjzRg7sDr_Jf0_a7XmLMbSl4TNj9L8wKmOOUps0Jy1p52gxKiRizBrHPv8V14ZlhxKI9IEsQObnR3IoaYXM12W9xPF0hqipXLsAQj5da-FSZbD7d3XqAO3mfbTWMlkxH5g=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgzlg4C3F81J4O2-My4AQU49Z2ouI-_G4ZMAL3pFEumNwZv_zpKP8SP9i-vDjzRg7sDr_Jf0_a7XmLMbSl4TNj9L8wKmOOUps0Jy1p52gxKiRizBrHPv8V14ZlhxKI9IEsQObnR3IoaYXM12W9xPF0hqipXLsAQj5da-FSZbD7d3XqAO3mfbTWMlkxH5g=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Social media may be punching way above its weight. What was intended to be a great source of friendship across all worlds, seems to have turned into a constant fight fest. Facebook was well-liked until the algorithms meant we stopped hearing what our friends were up to and were instead directed to specific sponsored sites “they” thought were good for us. Worthy or not, who knows, but certainly pretty dull. Time to tune out.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, following the young - always way ahead of the late adapters - and moving on to Instagram, Snapchat and TikTok these, too, seem to be the preoccupation of would-be influencers hoping to attract enough followers (I think it’s 10,000+) to gain sponsorship and financial reward.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then there’s Twitter and its not-so-merry band of tweeters. In a time where pleas of “Be Kind” are on everyone’s lips, who would enjoy hearing about the appealing sound of tweets. Except, of course, we know that’s not what the Twittersphere is all about. It’s about FURY, SHOUTING, TROLLING, INSISTING ONLY YOUR OPINION IS RIGHT. And so on. Anything but kind.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There is always one twitterstorm or another because they’re easy game for articles in the old-school media. The way it works is a journalist looking to fill a website looks on Twitter to see what is trending. More often than not, it’s a quarrel that excites. That trend gets picked up, written about, and distributed to millions more readers. And the original “storm” (probably a couple of rude messages) gets blown up into a giant argument which we at home can all discuss and feel as if we’re taking part in some countrywide conversation.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve followed some news stories recently and am reminded of the Drama Triangle, a theory developed by <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/Break-Drama-Triangle-Victim-Consciousness/dp/1499100299/ref=asc_df_1499100299/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310831412334&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8740539456063197600&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006886&hvtargid=pla-493272939337&psc=1&th=1&psc=1"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Stephen Karpman</span></a>, a follower of Eric Berne, the Canadian psychiatrist who developed the psychotherapeutic practice of <a href="https://ericberne.com/"><span style="color: #dca10d;">Transactional Analysis</span></a>.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Put simply, the idea behind TA is that our life consists of communication transactions that are governed by a series of games. These are not fun games and Dr Berne’s aim as a psychotherapist was to help his clients find a satisfactory way of nativigating through the emotional miseries of such games to achieve a good outcome.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8JpHx0RgwnbXemuccRDbhEkyvU2vvEzwtQfhYKvTifMJ-Enix31ztEbz4KzJhd3Zossptr8U8uGlw0psWqAGzmXtp0rPK7AhPVcs8HR-EeUfNmfZX7pmYgkjfoCJXJ9gtr24eL7JQOpRlLwj0QX-UDMLLNoJ97AC1JlqkBACxA_IxspyZO3AehC0l3Q=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEj8JpHx0RgwnbXemuccRDbhEkyvU2vvEzwtQfhYKvTifMJ-Enix31ztEbz4KzJhd3Zossptr8U8uGlw0psWqAGzmXtp0rPK7AhPVcs8HR-EeUfNmfZX7pmYgkjfoCJXJ9gtr24eL7JQOpRlLwj0QX-UDMLLNoJ97AC1JlqkBACxA_IxspyZO3AehC0l3Q=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">The Drama Triangle is an inverted triangle involving a group of three: the victim, the rescuer and the persecutor.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, imagine for example, that you are a famous sports person who is accusing another person of racist remarks. In that case, you would be the victim. You are the person who is being picked on. You put this out into the public eye and you are pleased and relieved that the painful episodes you have talked about are supported by many of those who read or hear your story. “This is wrong,” they rightly say. “This should not be happening.”</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Those supporters could also be described as your rescuers. They may have not been there when the offence was given but they are going to look out for you and ensure that your complaints are taken seriously and no-one’s going to be unkind to you again. That makes sense and it seems like a good outcome for everyone.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then … somebody starts taking a look at your own old tweets; tweets you had sent years when you were still a teenager and those tweets are re-reported in the media. Suddenly, the feeling is not so good. Your rescuers may be wondering why they stepped in and they awkwardly step away. Suddenly, you go from victim to persecutor and it’s an uncomfortable position to be in. You apologise but the damage is done.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Or maybe you’re a TV presenter who’s admired within media circles and beyond for your talent across both serious and light-hearted platforms and the public likes you too. You’ve had a meteoric rise from hard work and luck in the print world and you’re now tipped as the next big star presenter on TV.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And then you do a documentary on a prominent family while working for an impartial organisation and there’s a bit of pushback. This time, it’s not tweets that come back to haunt you, it’s one-liners in editorials you wrote in your newspaper days. In another short period you’ve gone from persecutor (through your documentary) to victim of those laying into you for that very same programme. Your employers move into a rescuing role as they tell all the critics they have full confidence in you. You, meanwhile, are probably feeling a little vulnerable.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There’s a final story of a former stand-up comedian turned actor (in my view, very good at both) who seems to have inadvertently launched a pre-emptive strike to save himself from being a victim of the Drama Triangle by confessing to his persecuting ways during his stand-up years and hoping that full and frank disclosure will avoid any future reckonings. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So how do the rest of us avoid these drama triangle moments, particularly where social media is involved? It probably helps if you’re not famous. The fewer people read your tweets, the less likelihood of a backlash. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you are famous - or know someone is - it’s best to try to remember to stay in Adult mode as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis"><span style="color: #dca10d;">TA</span></a> therapists might advise. Be rational, argue from a logical, reasonable point of view and stay well away from your naughty or emotional Child state. That means no tweeting or social media arguing when you may have had a drink and judgment may be impaired. And, if all else fails, remember to delete your old tweets and/or messages.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@ademay?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Adem AY</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/social-media?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alexbemore?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Alexander Shatov</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/twitter-followers?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></span></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p> </p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-85833390757620800092021-11-14T14:53:00.003+00:002021-11-14T14:53:29.615+00:00 The Shocking Pain of Loss<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTatsBvHMLqRfFtbgR5NoB9B0Ir_5dlMoACgkKkmCZ2rAdwbRwnCj-HXt1ExoM9CWQFmYl1j8mWfgsQcw0_aCnwl0TfCmzjVb2s_ivUBPZyMuJ1wSpjzJ5RFI5_KvSFXuKjQFU3L529lgx/s2048/egor-myznik-knPfv0A1xQc-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1363" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTatsBvHMLqRfFtbgR5NoB9B0Ir_5dlMoACgkKkmCZ2rAdwbRwnCj-HXt1ExoM9CWQFmYl1j8mWfgsQcw0_aCnwl0TfCmzjVb2s_ivUBPZyMuJ1wSpjzJ5RFI5_KvSFXuKjQFU3L529lgx/s320/egor-myznik-knPfv0A1xQc-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><p><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></p>A friend of mine died recently. It was unexpected and the news came as a sudden and great shock. I heard about it via a message from her mobile phone. To read a message from her number telling me that she is no more made it seem all the more unbelievable. </span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">Much of my work centres around loss, with bereavement perhaps being the greatest of all losses. I like to believe that, as an experienced practitioner within this field, I know how careful and sensitive I need to be when I’m working with a client who is suffering. </p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">It may be, however, that experience can make a so-called professional just that little bit blasé. Not consciously and never arrogantly or intentionally but because our experience may give us an understanding of how time really will help (whatever you feel in the moment) and our learning will hopefully allow us to lead you along that painful path until you can begin to manage on your own. We may not mean to know best but we may sometimes inadvertently slip into such a sense.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In a way, such a thought process is both natural and inevitable; to be so overwhelmed with empathy for each client’s sad story would mean we would no longer be able to do our work as well as we would want to. We need to be able to support, hold and be there for our client but we also need to be able to stand back. It’s one thing walking with them on their journey, it’s another trying to merge with them or claim their suffering is ours too. That would not be right.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That is what I might have said before experiencing my own reaction to the news of my friend’s death. Not now, however. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My experience was visceral. I had a sense of not being able to understand what I was reading followed by disbelief. The message from my eyes to my brain was clear but my brain could not grasp it. I had to read the message again, and again. I still couldn’t take it in. I read it aloud to a friend who was with me and who knew of this person. Did saying it aloud help? I’m not sure. I don’t think so. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let me tell you a little about my friend, a creative force of nature. She was an award-winning stand-up comedian; a poet; a writer; a teacher and a loyal and entertaining friend. She was a great cook, a great traveller and an all-round bon viveur - a lover of life. She also had a waspish tongue and sharp wit that could inflict a fair bit of damage if she disapproved of what you were saying and you were on the receiving end of it - I was once, and it did. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh21P6VQyd9GilmLJsrXTpzqyXFWi51hPgkf3KOiGKg9IfciKdvoMBcIDUJQzhkAwZR3KH-k9UQPMZ3dK9Bfmjn-Fa1Fze0FppfgyiMut9Iy4e4U00mg6xMZzPN41-UuC_F7awEZlPY-Hua/s2048/marc-antoine-dube--udSEMrXW6s-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh21P6VQyd9GilmLJsrXTpzqyXFWi51hPgkf3KOiGKg9IfciKdvoMBcIDUJQzhkAwZR3KH-k9UQPMZ3dK9Bfmjn-Fa1Fze0FppfgyiMut9Iy4e4U00mg6xMZzPN41-UuC_F7awEZlPY-Hua/w320-h213/marc-antoine-dube--udSEMrXW6s-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She was a tall blonde beauty in her youth and had matured - she might question that word - into a glamorous and sophisticated woman of the world in her middle years and the wisdom she’d gained over the years honed her natural gifts. Above all, she was a truly vibrant human being, full of energy and life and still with many plans for what she was going to do next.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Then, within a month, she was gone, leaving friends, colleagues and students feeling bewildered and bereft. As in life, she had her devoted friend by her side and supporting her at her end. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">My strong reaction to her death surprised me. It’s reconnected me with the emotions that a person goes through when s/he loses someone dear to them. The difference between “imagining” how I’d feel and actually “feeling” a personal loss is stark. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve learned from this - though I’d prefer my friend were still here and I was still ignorant - that I need to remain open to my own feelings, rather than perhaps using my own counselling role as a shield. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We live in a cynical age and it’s easy to get caught up in it. It’s sometimes easier to sneer than to praise, and it may be a way of guarding against feelings of disappointment. If we don’t hope for much, then we won’t feel bad about losing much. But does that make for a good life? I think not. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In this month of remembrance of people who seemed to be so much more idealistic than we are, I like the idea of trying to reconnect with some of that desire for something better or desire to protect the good qualities and values we have.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m aware that I’m preaching and that’s not part of my role which is to reflect, observe and point out those observations to a person who is looking to gain some understanding and relief in their own life. I feel, though, this is part of a reflection caused by her untimely death.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And so, back to my friend. I'm not going to say RIP to her because I’m not sure that’s what she’d want. I’m going to hope instead that somewhere in a parallel universe, there’s another fabulous party going on featuring the best champagne, the most delicious food, the best reggae music and my friend at the centre of it all, sprinkling her bon mots to her devoted attendees. I hope she’s having fun.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Meanwhile, still on this planet, thank you, Ms A, for continuing to teach me even after you’ve gone. I’m going to keep you in my heart and hope to honour you by remembering just what your loss has meant to me. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>Photo 1: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@vonshnauzer?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Egor Myznik</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/lilies?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></b></i></span></span></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@lifeofdube?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Marc-Antoine Dubé</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/champagne-and-party?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; caret-color: rgb(17, 17, 17); color: #111111; display: inline; font-family: -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, "San Francisco", "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Ubuntu, Roboto, Noto, "Segoe UI", Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: start; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"></div>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><br /></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-63135507096019500312021-09-29T10:32:00.002+01:002021-09-29T10:38:18.625+01:00Time for a Collective Deep Breath<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWnYwm7Z2Br_2VRjNeBMIepYPjvjKtYT90IiaX6WCygXJYqygEvEJ_p6mhJm8wK5wXRhdniZcmM7r1DOAdTs3UruyUwsiQoqtrSbu261IENPFcpu78iJsmKTakVlRp6X3gEBIyDbs-_klr/s2048/timothy-eberly-yuiJO6bvHi4-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWnYwm7Z2Br_2VRjNeBMIepYPjvjKtYT90IiaX6WCygXJYqygEvEJ_p6mhJm8wK5wXRhdniZcmM7r1DOAdTs3UruyUwsiQoqtrSbu261IENPFcpu78iJsmKTakVlRp6X3gEBIyDbs-_klr/s320/timothy-eberly-yuiJO6bvHi4-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><p style="text-align: left;">It wasn’t so long ago that we were all social-bubbled up together and longing to see our loved ones again. The fear of coronavirus left us restricted in a way that, pre-March 2020, we could never have imagined. </p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">After some false and unnerving starts, release slowly went ahead until now we are - almost - back to normal. Those most at risk are double-vaxxed and even boosters are on their way. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We can mix and match pretty well as we like and it’s now up to us to work out sensibly how we can manage our own lives after this terrible and traumatic event. Isn’t that fantastic and exciting and cause for real celebration? You’d think so, wouldn’t you? At least I would. But that’s not what I’m observing.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I remember expecting there would be initial relief at the end of the fiercest restrictions and then I wondered if there might be a fair amount of anger because of the impositions. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It’s rather like when you “mislay” a child in your care. First, there’s disbelief. This hasn’t happened, the child has not vanished. Then, there’s a growing sense of panic as you realise s/he is not there. There’s the search as you grow ever more frantic and then they are found - by you or someone else and you have this overwhelming sense of relief that they are safe.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you’re the average parent/caretaker (or not, in this case) you are very likely to have a sense of fury against the little person who’s put you through all this. Fortunately, most of us react by a quick shout, possibly face up close (you shouldn’t but it happens) and then a tug on the arm as we ensure they remain firmly within our grasp.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The wisest among us remember that this a child; s/he did not do it on purpose and, in a perfect world, they would never have become separated from us. We draw a deep breath, reach down to reassure our little companion and suggest we need to look after each other better in future. Job done. Until the next time.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m hoping you’ll see where I’m heading. Of course, Covid’s not the child but the reaction to what’s happened is not dissimilar. Disbelief, fear, panic about the unknown and, later, fear about the known, followed by relief that all is going to be okay. And now I can get angry.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">That seems to be where we are right now. Angry with everything and searching for somewhere to vent our fury. Last week, it was one thing (like many others, my memory and timeframe is not what it was before lockdown); this week it’s the HGV driver shortage and next week goodness knows what we’ll have found to worry us.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was expecting anger but not at the rate it’s happened. It’s like a collective Mexican wave but not in a good way. Or maybe it’s as though all the trolls from social media have jumped out of their make-believe slots and into the real world. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It is extraordinary. An oil company publicly reveals (why?) it’s restricting fuel supplies and suddenly everyone’s queuing for petrol at such a rate that the self-fulfilling prophecy comes true. Garages run out of petrol.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I watch this on the news and reflect on the strangeness of one group of people lying down on a motorway as they try to find ways of saving the planet while another - much larger - pushes out endless, unhealthy fumes as they queue to fill up their cars with petrol, just in case.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Just in case of what? I’m a little confused. Where is everyone going and whatever happened to the enthusiasm for working from home? I was under the impression that WFH was still the employment of choice, but I appear to be wrong. Now, we all want to be in our cars, dashing to and from work, meeting to meeting, school runs or gym appointments. Concerns about climate change are suddenly way down our radar. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-a4munPjmyZVXcOttvCHdRaHN-CvQqv5MTfWRtD0oYThNBM5SGpWZkqMcFrZyHC6gERKA70bz9UKE9HTK_I0cxp53IUZDCA8U_Jks0kX-xlVOYujlrHZ_9KAqDmYoDwI3urlMXov2BKp/s2048/tai-s-captures-0I52FCHNjoU-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP-a4munPjmyZVXcOttvCHdRaHN-CvQqv5MTfWRtD0oYThNBM5SGpWZkqMcFrZyHC6gERKA70bz9UKE9HTK_I0cxp53IUZDCA8U_Jks0kX-xlVOYujlrHZ_9KAqDmYoDwI3urlMXov2BKp/s320/tai-s-captures-0I52FCHNjoU-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A Martian looking down on us might wonder at the madness of all of this. Eighteen months ago, we were talking about “being kind” to one another; clapping NHS workers and vowing that, if we got out of this, we’d be a much more caring and sharing society in the future. Now, we’re back to shouting at the authorities to do something and having punch ups in petrol queues. Doesn’t sound too kind to me.</span></p><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">I can certainly spot a fair few troubles on the horizon. It may be there will be fewer presents at Christmas (that’s also something to do with the huge container ship that was stuck in the Panama Canal for weeks, I believe) and turkeys which have not voted for Christmas may escape our dinner table because of the CO2 problem - ah yes, I remember now, that that was last week’s issue - but there we go. Maybe it’s a good time to consider whether less may be more after all. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are people who have suffered in this period and are suffering still. They deserve all the support we can give them and they have every right to be both angry and sad. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But for those of us who are still healthy, still have their loved ones and have had a relatively easy ride during this very disturbing time, I’d suggest we take a moment to experience that relief at finding ourselves in a reasonably good place. Stay still, take a deep breath and, just for a second, be grateful. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>Photo 1: Timothy Elbery on Unsplash</b></i></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>Photo 2: Tai's Captures on Unsplash</b></i></span></p>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5062197753847763155.post-57524788189644993252021-09-12T14:07:00.001+01:002021-09-12T19:59:18.300+01:00 Why Every Court Needs A Fool<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQzIcYaZrMpf1lCJLDaMJMZURUq70aUJg-G77wNCaRQd08Bay276mRhQh_1Lm3R5xEGBo5nEbT4nZfkh_h0-RM0COkNoXDBhyYkNb-FNux3iqxx1iD4uKJxWnCHBrxaW9RSQbmjJhsUkA/s2048/deleece-cook-Sbzdce7DucU-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1569" data-original-width="2048" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQzIcYaZrMpf1lCJLDaMJMZURUq70aUJg-G77wNCaRQd08Bay276mRhQh_1Lm3R5xEGBo5nEbT4nZfkh_h0-RM0COkNoXDBhyYkNb-FNux3iqxx1iD4uKJxWnCHBrxaW9RSQbmjJhsUkA/s320/deleece-cook-Sbzdce7DucU-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px;">Anyone who knows anything about Shakespeare’s plays will know one of the starring roles often belongs to the fool.</span><p></p>
<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;">He is the person who tells it like it is. He’s the one who advises the monarch not to do what he’s about to and who foresees what might happen if he does. (His other role is to keep both the monarch and the audience amused in the more tedious parts of the play but that is for another time.)</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Usually, the monarch ignores him and the result is a tragedy that we the audience can predict because it’s so clearly obvious to anyone and everyone. Except, of course, the king.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I give you King Lear and poor Tom (other fools are available). Lear, against advice, gives his kingdom away to his daughters and, after a very long and miserable tale, ends up being homeless, going mad and dying of grief. It would be an unwise fool to say: “I told you so” after that.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The fashion for jesters within the seats of power began in the Middle Ages but gradually died out. I’m wondering if it’s time we brought them back; not just for royals but for all those in positions of power and who have some control over our lives.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">In the world of the ordinary person - us - we usually have at least one person who’s quick to tell us when we’re in danger of making a wrong decision. If we choose not to listen to them, we also have our inner voice which sometimes irritatingly questions whether we should really do what we’ve set our heart on.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But what about if you have no-one who feels about to say that to you. What if your future is in their all-powerful hands? In that case, I’m not sure I’d dare to make an observation. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’ve been thinking more about this after reading of some of the seemingly unfortunate errors of judgment made by our own monarch-in-waiting in his quest to raise money for his charities. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It seems there are some ethical concerns about who has been giving to charity and what they may have been looking for in return. The idea, surely, is that you give money to charity so you feel like you’re doing something good for society. That in turn leaves you feeling happy inside - and that’s your reward.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Except it doesn’t seem to be. Such an idea seems a little naïve. These people who give substantial amounts of money to charity - particularly royal charities - seem to be expecting quite a bit more. A royal meeting perhaps, a public honour in reward or, in the case of contributions to political parties, access to the top people. Obvious really.</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If it’s so obvious, I’m curious to understand why those in charge don’t understand what’s going on. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTxUArTsOJGpsfaDe7Tnw0Renvw7XD9TAvmVkTi_BAJiaAst9n1WQT3_7gvnNhMxAIRbiwwk9V4XUzcDPFK8mvYsM2Lz-NwuPvDZYNCVUVsHe4hO37wnT1djD_hMtTdbeoHreCWPsOX8ZE/s2048/markus-winkler-wLBVAF-kMR0-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTxUArTsOJGpsfaDe7Tnw0Renvw7XD9TAvmVkTi_BAJiaAst9n1WQT3_7gvnNhMxAIRbiwwk9V4XUzcDPFK8mvYsM2Lz-NwuPvDZYNCVUVsHe4hO37wnT1djD_hMtTdbeoHreCWPsOX8ZE/s320/markus-winkler-wLBVAF-kMR0-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>The politicians do, of course. They fully comprehend it’s a trade-off and their task is to balance what they can actually offer with what the donor demands. Some politicians do it better than others. Ironically, our current politician-in-chief made quite a career out of being a public jester until he decided to go for the top job. Now some people say they expect him to get serious and find him less of a laugh than they once did.<p></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Putting political machinations to one side, let’s return to our future head of state. Poor Prince Charles. It does seem to me as though he’s trying his best but unfortunately he doesn’t seem to employ anyone who will point out the pitfalls of some of his choices. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If he had a court jester asking him to question why someone might want to contribute hundreds of thousands of pounds into a charity of which he is patron, he might maybe ask the question himself. It’s great to be given money with no strings attached but not so good when the ultimate cost may be your reputation. </p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Similarly, a jester might ask why another member of your family felt it was okay to be given free lifts on private jets just because he happened to be a prince? He might ask how that fitted with your well-publicised views on saving the environment. Or it might be that he (jesters do not seem to have been female) might question whether the introduction to a particular young lady might not be appropriate and could land you with a heap more trouble than you’d bargained for?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If there is no-one within your court to challenge your behaviour, however are you going to know what’s good or bad, right or wrong? And, therefore, how are you going to manage to make the right ethical or moral decision when you need to? Such a process requires both practice and wisdom; how are you going to get that if no-one ever questions you? </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9DWsf8XTuyhR2c00pYJym_mdKJve0UY_decAZdzxPmehhGfdKZlQbnAGq250dFt7YnBJF0rExcFJbp3BgkHHNtgMUo1677ZUhIY8mikFTfl3XY5cbvMCSyDTfvPBbBAIVxliCiiJ0A6Cu/s2048/colin-watts-8WRRJ4xJeyg-unsplash.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9DWsf8XTuyhR2c00pYJym_mdKJve0UY_decAZdzxPmehhGfdKZlQbnAGq250dFt7YnBJF0rExcFJbp3BgkHHNtgMUo1677ZUhIY8mikFTfl3XY5cbvMCSyDTfvPBbBAIVxliCiiJ0A6Cu/s320/colin-watts-8WRRJ4xJeyg-unsplash.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A royal biographer recently told of how surprised she was by ordinary people’s reaction to meeting royalty. They laughed loudly at their jokes, become speechless - even when captains of industry or in similarly successful positions - and seemed generally overawed. And that’s the problem, if we are in awe of a person, how can we possibly challenge their behaviour?</p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I read that the Queen Mother’s family, the Bowes-Lyons were among the last grand family to have a jester within their aristocratic circle. Prince Charles often sought advice from his grandma. Maybe it’s time to revisit that idea. He might find it a worthwhile investment in the long run.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #dca10d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 1 by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@deleece?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Deleece Cook</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/jester?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></span></i></b></span></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 2 by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@markuswinkler?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Markus Winkler</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/charity?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></i></b></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"><b><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Photo 3 by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@imagefactory?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Colin Watts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/cash-uk?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></span></i></b></p>
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<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px;"> </p><div><br /></div>96 Harley Psychotherapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13993621620269827463noreply@blogger.com